Starting Small with my Biggest Shadow

shadow

My personal work this year has been all about embracing my shadow parts and working towards self-compassion in my dark places. It has been about as fun as it sounds, and that is to say its been no fun. No fun at all.

This work came up organically for me after a very awkward and upsetting supervision last year. I see now how everything is connected. I needed to be doing this work at exactly this time in my life so my supervisor showed up for me in a way that opened the door. Apparently that was the soul contract she and I made.

So all year one by one my shadows have been presenting themselves to me and I have been doing the work, all the while knowing exactly what I am working towards: Victim Mentality. That is the piece of me that casts the longest shadow, it is the cloth all my other shadows are cut from.

It has only been in the last month that this shadow piece has finally hit home. I mentioned this before, there is a reason we show up as the victim in our life, it is because being on the other side of it, the place of true accountability is so painful.

The universe has sent me so much support as I walk this path though and for that I am grateful.

A few weeks ago my husband and I were discussing our upcoming trip to Michigan and it was agreed that this time we would make a road trip out of it rather than fly like we normally do when we visit that part of the country. That was my husband’s compromise because I am in no way feeling up to flying right now. I am terrified to fly and I just do not have it in me. My end of the compromise was to work on my list of fears.

It is a long list. I am afraid of a lot. So we agreed to start small. Spiders and the dark. I am making good progress with my fear of the dark. Spiders are a different story. So far I have not had the opportunity to work on it because thankfully there have been no spiders in the house for sometime. That will come when it comes.

Lastly I agreed to work on my fear related to driving. That is not a small one, that is actually one of my bigger ones. It is related to a traumatic accident I was in 20 years ago that left my face permanently disfigured. None the less, I am doing my work. I have taken three road trips in the last month where I was driving, that is pretty huge for me. The first was the longest and I had a car full of people. The second was the shortest but I was completely alone which is a major anxiety trigger for me when driving, especially if I have to go on a major highway. The last one was with one other person.

Next week my husband and I will be driving to an island off the coast of Georgia to meet his parents for a long beach weekend; he has agreed to let me drive part of the way so I can continue to do this work. Essentially I am doing exposure therapy to help myself with these aspects of my PTSD. It all ties into my stepping out of victim mentality as well. My husband did not know that I am doing work around victim mentality when we made this agreement, without realizing it he helped me ease into this work with small ways in which I can step out of the role of victim.

One of the biggest pieces of my work showed up finally this last week. It has always been there but because I have been sitting in victim mentality for so long I was not able to see it. I was in denial and blaming for a very long time, anything I could do to not have to own this very painful part of my story.

Now that I am aware of it signs and symbols have been popping up all over the place. They are all showing up to support me through this. Tomorrow my husband has agreed to go with me to a lecture being held that speaks directly to what I am working on. I think it will help give me insight as I move forward. I am looking forward to it and again very grateful for his willingness to stand by through this.

 

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