The word empty has been coming up over and over again in the last few weeks as I move through this part of my soul’s work. I feel like it is time to look at what emptiness is telling me.
I emptied my closet and my drawers – completely empty. This left a HEAPING pile of clothes, we’ll comeback to the heap.
I remember feeling empty.
An indescribable emptiness. The floor opened up and ate me up whole. This is where my largest void was created – in this room with my feet in stirrups where I was made empty.
To keep me small.
To create and maintain disconnection.
To keep me enveloped in shame, in fear.
To keep me empty.
To keep me separated from love. Love of myself and love of my babies.
I am not empty. I am not shameful or wrong or bad. I am not a slut. I AM NOT A KILLER.
And then again this week as I sobbed in my husband’s lap and in bed in his arms I whimpered, I just feel so empty.
Looking at my list of empties the question I am asking myself is what does full feel like? If this is empty, what is full?
Full is feeling connected – all of me in sync at once, my words, my actions, my mind, body, soul.
Full is joy, laughter, silliness, and creativity.
Full is peace – quiet, calm, rest, comfort.
Full is gratitude.
Full is purpose.
Full is honoring – honoring myself, those I love, nature, sacredness, the world around me.
Full is self-care in all of it’s forms.
Full is making a contribution – being part of someone else’s joy through celebrating their accomplishments, or volunteering, or donating..
Full is love.
I want to feel full. This is what I am moving towards. I think this is what it is all about.
I want to feel connected, and joyFUL, and peaceFUL, and grateFUL, and purposFUL. I want to honor, and contribute, and love.
This is who I want to be. No longer empty. I want to be FULL.