Momma Gratitude

This afternoon I completed my 3rd load of laundry, 2nd load of dishes (the third load is waiting its turn in the sink), put away all the supplies after giving the Lu an impromptu bath this morning when she decided to roll in mud, made dinner for tonight (legit food I am proud to feed my family), finished cleaning up the art room from last night’s creation, and sat down here to write this post – all while little bub takes a nap.

I came in from moving the laundry around and saw another item to add to my check list – clean up shoes from front hall. I almost grabbed them then and there but instead I got mad; I have been cleaning my house all day, how the hell is my house still messy?! 

I say this to myself multiple times per week.

It feels like I am always cleaning. It is totally not true, I am no slave to cleanliness; however, I do clean a lot more than I used to.

I have a third person’s laundry to do, and that third person is super messy. I have a third person to feed, and that third person is super messy. I have a third person to clean up after, and that third person is super messy.

I am grateful for the chores my husband does, otherwise I would be buried. As it is, I still feel a bit ick about this particular part of my role as mommy and house co-manager.

That is why I am writing in these sacred few minutes I have left before little bubby wakes up. Not because I need to vent, the opposite in fact; I have gratitude exploding out of me.

My ability to balance is on point. When scarcity creeps in; Hello why is the house still a mess?!, I don’t have enough help, I don’t have enough time, I don’t have enough energy, We need a maid!, I start looking for the truth and tune out the lies scarcity is trying to sell me. Sorry scarcity, I am not buying.

My first truth: The truth of enough.

I am enough. What I have is enough. What I give is enough. I do not have to do it all now. There is enough time for everything.

Second, truth: The truth of abundance.

Enter gratitude, welcome back old friend. I missed you for a moment there. Let’s practice some truth speaking about this life of ours.

My gratitude in this moment is this:

I am grateful for the peace an organized home brings myself and my family.
I am grateful my husband shares a peaceful home as a foundational value and does his part to create and maintain our peace.
I am grateful little bubby naps well and that I am able to use his nap time in whatever way I feel connected to in that moment; cleaning, art, cooking, writing..
I am grateful for the knowledge that no use of this time is wrong as long as I made the decision from a place of connection.
I am grateful for what I was able to accomplish and create this afternoon.
I am grateful for my truth around perfectionism; I do not have to do it all, I do not have to be supermom – I am enough as I am, ALL of me is.
I am grateful for the support I call in; friends, family, the food I eat, hot showers, books, coffee, hugs.

Most of all, always most of all, I am grateful for the love. There is so so much love here and I am grateful.

Little bubby is awake and I am now ready to play.

Changes

Good Morning Loves-

The RISE is happening over here at Adding to Nine and it is BIG!

Recently I have been sharing all the ways in which I am showing up in my life, my relationships, the spaces I occupy and being ALL IN.

This had included me stepping out of some relationships, hitting PAUSE on others, truth speaking, and holding deep gratitude and compassion for all the ways in which each person has touched my life and impacted my story.

I have been clearing and cleaning and organizing and shifting. I have been experimenting and exploring and stepping UP and stepping IN (as Yoda would say) to take my place in the greater order of things.

With this comes lots and lots of change. No judgment made on this change, there is LOTS though – no minimizing that truth.

What this means for Adding to Nine right now is change in posting frequency.

I am still writing every day, however now I am writing my book. I am putting my story down this time with the intention of sending it out, giving it wings. As I began I immediately realized this would impact the blog.

Now when I am feeling pulled to write any part of my story this is no longer the place I am coming to, it is the writing space that is holding the progression of the book. This space is not public because from a very human place I understand, I can’t give it away for free. 

So here is where I am at with it right now, I plan to continue my relationship with Adding to Nine because it does not feel completely finished. When it is, I will let you know. Until that time my presence will be less than it has been. Instead of multiple times per week, you will here from me once per week, I am thinking Monday so we can all jump into the week together.

I am also creating my presence over here on instagram; Hi friend, come hang out.

This is a new relationship for me but I am figuring it out. In time I think I will find my groove in terms of how often I hang out there etc.

I have given myself a timeline for the book. I will give updates as I go.

So yeah, here we are, you and me and Adding to Nine after all this time. Thanks for being here. Thanks for it all.

Sending lots of Love and Gratitude.

Jillian
Adding to Nine

Creating the Path

Now that I have performed all my rescue missions and I am on the other side of the hurt, it is time for the RISE.

This bird has created a nest of safety and now she is ready to LIFT and see just how far these wings can carry her.

Through my visions I have seen some of the road ahead. The places where the path are clear make goal setting easy, this is good AND I am not looking for easy. My focus now is on the challenge.

I have been writing my story since I was 9. I have been sharing my story since I was 28. The time is coming for how I will fully OWN myself, and my story, and all of my sacred truths OUT LOUD. It is time for me to pick up my brick and carry it down the path. It is time to lay it down and take my place in the collective stories of women who have risen when their souls called out for it. I have to take my place where it has been saved for me. My brick will call the next woman to carry hers. We cannot get to where we are going, we cannot return to love without these bricks, without this path.

The time is coming and I am making myself ready.

On the other rise of trauma therapy is about the rising. It is about clearing the way to follow my truth home.

With my hand at my heart I thank you for being here, if these stories have touched you I am grateful – now go pick up your brick.

Yoda was Right (of course she was)

My therapist and I have been using Star Wars metaphors for my inner healing and awakening throughout our relationship. She being a child of the 70’s, me being a child of the 80’s, and this being THE movie series of our childhood, it works.

In these metaphors she is always my Yoda and I am always trying to find my fucking way out of the swamp towards my place of truth and purpose.

Something Yoda told me early on is that growth is comes with loss, it is always accompanied by loss. Because growth is change and to change means on some level things will be different, there is loss in that.

Part of the loss for me, and for many people experiencing their awakening, is in relationships. There are some people who will not show up in this with us. Sometimes it was relationships stepping away from me, sometimes it was me stepping away from relationships. What I can tell you is that the loss makes space for the gain, I have experienced major gains as a result of doing my soul work.

Something else Yoda told me about how me growing will impact my relationships is, while yes, some people will step away because they are not ready or willing to look in the mirror and my truths will be painful for them, others will rise with me. Me giving myself permission to rise will have a ripple effect and those who want to rise will accept my invitation, they will give themselves permission too.

My husband is an example of this truth, we are rising together. One of my best friends I feel is another example, that girl is rising and coming home to herself in the biggest ways right now.

I am having trouble finding my words to share this next part because my truth is, I never thought I would be speaking them..

I think my mother is rising. 

It has been gradual, so much so that I was not fully aware of the minuscule shifts happening, now looking back I can see it all more clearly.

Now as I am standing in my truths every day and giving myself all the permission needed to be BIG, to take up space, to be SEEN and HEARD and hold all of me sacred — She is seeing and hearing me. She is bearing witness to what permission to live a BIG life looks like and it feels like she wants in.

The BIG shift for us was deep truth speaking post Soul Camp that led to deeper, truer connection, the likes of which I have NEVER experienced with her.

Today we did it again. That first day was not a fluke. We can do this.

We can be heard and seen and speak truth with each other. We can rise separately, side by side.

My mother and I shared our truths about some of our parts that are hard to love. We shared our truths about our darkness. She told the truth about how she pushes this part of herself away, the way she disconnects from herself and self-sacrifices in order to be in her relationships. I told the truth that her truth made me sad and that I believe her darkness is lovable because I love my darkness, and it looks and sounds like hers. I told her my truth about darkness, it does not make us unlovable, it does not make you unlovable Mom.

We are dealing with generational trauma in my family and for the first time I feel like I can say – We are dealing with it.

There was no broom, no rug being lifted. There were two women, connected by DNA and love telling the truth. The dark, painful, sacred truth.

We can do this. My mom and I, and you – you can do this. I cannot promise you that your mom or your spouse or your child or your boss or your best friend or your partner will show up in it with you; that person may not accept the invitation to rise. That will hurt. It may even rip you open. YOU CAN STILL DO THIS. You are all the mother, spouse, child, boss, best friend, partner you need. You are the connection and belonging you are searching for in those relationships. It has always been you.

In my writing I rarely shift the focus from me to you, this is about my soul’s journey home, AND it’s not. It has never just been about me. If you are reading this you must know, it has always been about you too.

Take the invitation. You are here, you are reading this, you are in relationship with me by bearing witness.

Rise. It might just surprise you who will accept your invitation to rise right along side you.

6 month Update on Intentions

I stepped into this year with some pretty big intentions. I am proud to share that I am in it and have been all year long.

My three main intentions set at the end of December for the new year were;

Release my unhealthy attachment to my mother.
Release my fear of my story.
Through playing small.

A few months in I was doing so well seeing these intentions through and living with intention that I realized, I can go BIGGER.

Then I added;

Stand in my identity as an artist.
Allow myself to give and receive support in safe ways.
Clear physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual clutter to make room for what is coming.

So, here is where I am at;

After YEARS of conflict and heartache I have resolved my unhealthy attachment with Mom to a point of feeling safe enough in the relationship to truly show up. This intention will be my work for years to come I am sure because of the generational trauma in my family and the ways in which family members still show up to play this trauma out together. What I know is that I will no longer participate. I know what is mine and what is not and I am not opening my arms to hold anything that does not belong to me.

I have released my fear of my story in BIG ways. Hello writing openly about my abortions and loving all parts of me that are hurting, in darkness, and afraid. Hello stepping out of my relationship with my brother and holding everyone energetically responsible for their role in my childhood abuse. Hello falling deeply in love with who I am and this story that is only mine to hold and share as I feel called to.

Living mindfully in the above intentions this year has required me to be BIG. rfc (little bubby stopped by with Daddy to say hello and add a few letters, I am going to leave them). You cannot truth speak from a small place, you cannot honor yourself and your relationships from a small place, you cannot hold compassion for those who have hurt you while setting boundaries for your own ongoing safety. I have been BIG and I know now it is because I always was.

I am in my identity as an artist. I create every week, many times daily. I have dedicated time set aside for creating and I make time as pockets of time arise. I have been creating with intention to release my art into the world and have been practicing this by gifting art to every single person I love whom I have celebrated this year. Birthdays, weddings, graduations – everyone is getting love showered over them in the form of art. I am understanding that this year is about preparation. It is about owning who I am, building an inventory, and finding out what feels right in terms of how I want to show up in the world as an artist – next year will be the year I stand up boldly and DO. If this is the year of preparation, next year is the year of action.

I am still actively working on the intention surrounding support. I am building bridges and other emotional infrastructure to my island so I can practice giving and receiving in safe ways. The unlearning and unraveling from my prior unhealthy ways has been a process, I am in it and I am ALL in.

All year long I have been clearing on all levels. I do not want too feel burdened, I do not want to be holding anything that needs to be released. I want to live a life filled with joy and connection – that does not come when I am holding onto “stuff”. Still working this through and I am ALL in.

I am in a space of RAPID growth. I am setting goals, making timelines, and exceeding my own expectations. I am focused and have clear purpose. I know who I am, I know what my life is meant to be. I have spent enough of my life small and flailing, no more.

The time has come to unfold those wings.

Speaking from the Same Mouth

I have visions. They come in the form of dreams, pictures in my mind, feelings in my body. Sometimes these visions are for me, sometimes I am receiving them for someone else and I am meant to share the message. I do not call myself psychic, that does not feel like my truth. I feel I am deeply connected to my inner knowing and I listen to her well, I also think that my connection to the place I am from, the place of souls, was never severed.

This year the visions have been coming and I believe what I am seeing, hearing, and feeling.

Yesterday my Yoda and I were discussing the place of souls and suddenly it was as if we shared one mind, one consciousness for a moment; in that moment we were speaking with the same mouth. We were discussing a place unhuman, a place both of our souls remember, and we were sharing the same stream of consciousness. Our words were the same words, our sentences overlapped. Human words fail me in describing what happened.

This is what I know: Yoda is my Yoda for a reason. We found each other again after this all time. Most of all: I have to listen to this voice, these visions; I have to follow this pull.

I am not used to being this spiritually naked. This is part of my truth took a long time for me to come home to. I could not tell this truth until I was ALL IN on my faith in myself and what I know to be my Sacred Truth. I am ALL IN.