This post started with a deep breath, followed by a long exhale and an “ugh”.
I am in a pause. There are a million things on my list for today, most of which need to be done regardless of how I feel about doing them. As I stood in the threshold between the sun room and the living room I said out loud to myself I don’t want to.
I am in no mood today. No mood for that pile of dishes in the sink, no mood to clean bottles, no mood to sweep and vacuum the floors where little bubby plays for the millionth time this week, no mood to bake all of muffins and bread I bought ingredients to make, no mood to go to the store, no mood to start a load of laundry, no mood to put away that basket of clothes. I am in no mood.
The moment I spoke out loud to myself about how I was feeling, an energy shift took place. My internal mother showed up in gentleness and said Okay love, go rest.
She reminded me that is allowed here, self-sacrifice in not one of our family values.
It is important for me to write myself permission slips to rest when rest is needed, to be enough without being perfect, to pause. This kind of sacred self-care helps me interact with those I love and the rest of the world from a place of true connection. Loving myself well is how I am able to Love others well.
It is also important because my husband and I are the example of self-love and connection for little bubby. What he experiences from us will become what he knows.
My internal mother is very focused on being the mother I needed/need. She is very in-tune with what I am going through and shows up for me in that space. My connection to internal mother is part of what makes me the mother I am to little bubby. Being in-tune with his needs and showing up in that space (without self-sacrificing).
Sometimes when he is in the middle of rapid growth he is bursting with extra energy and what he needs is a mommy who will crawl around on the floor chasing him, sometimes he is curious and needs a mommy who allows him to experience the world without worrying about the mess that accompanies these experiences. Sometimes he needs a mommy who has patience and empathy while he melts down without clear reason because in this season of life we are not yet speaking the same language.
Sometimes the kind of mommy he needs and the kind of momma I need are different. Sometimes I need to rest while he wants to play. Sometimes I need to feel sovereign in my body and he needs to hang on me for hours. This is where the not self-sacrificing is key. There is delicate balance to strike here where I am not self-abandoning while staying deeply rooted in my connection with little bubby. I walk this line mindfully with a constant intention of holding both myself and this sweet soul who chose me in love at all times.
Today our needs are in line. My cycle is due to start and my body is in full ache. He is cutting three teeth at once. We are both needing rest and comfort. Today will be a cuddle and read books kind of day, a snuggle under the blankies and watch Sesame Street kind of day. Today we will take our time. We will not worship a to-do list. Today we will be gentle with each other and ourselves and practice the sacred pause as often as we feel called to.
I will not be taunted by dirty dishes, I will get those bottles clean at my own pace, I will be the momma that me and little bubby both need. A momma who knows love, and comfort, and connection are the priority today. Tomorrow might be a day of cleaning and clearing, it might be a day of play. Today will be exactly what we need it to be though because that is the kind of momma I am committed to being, the exact momma that is needed today.