It has been so long since I have been called from my bed in the middle of the night with the pull to write and clear myself free of rustlings in my brain to allow space for sleep. Here I am though, once again, me, my laptop and the clock letting me know it is 3 hours and 45 minutes past my bedtime and 5 hours and 15 minutes until little bubby will wake ready to start a new day.
Here I am.
I am not anxious. I am not scared. I have had no nightmares. I am not dwelling is painful past places. I am awake because of all the extra sleep I was afforded last night when I went to bed early. My rhythm it is off and that is okay.
So friends, I am thinking maybe now is a good time to do a recap, a little reminiscing over the year that has passed, and also a bit of a look forward into my vision for the year unfolding anew.
I am finding myself in pause wondering what exactly I want to share and where to begin..
This year began with BIG energy. I felt a very intense urge at the beginning of the year to break away from my pattern of victim mentality and playing small in life. I wanted to be BIG and own my power and dive into parts of my healing and my life that had felt scary to me before.
I did these things. I did BIG work this year and I did reclaim power. This was a very messy process as it turns out and I was not always graceful. I hurt people this year. People and I love, people I care about, people who I know care about me. This was not my intention but it was absolutely my impact on them. I have been sitting with this. While I know I was lacking grace in these moments where I inflicted the hurt, I did repair work with myself by allowing grace in the after. I have given myself room to get it wrong. I have held space for my truth of sorrow over pain I know I inflicted while allowing grace knowing that I am practicing new ways of being while not really knowing how. I have moved forward holding those I hurt dear in my heart right alongside all the parts of me who are okay and not okay with how I practiced these new ways of being. Most of all I giving myself permission to grow and that my friends is a very painful, and very messy process.
Once I moved through the urgency of BIGNESS a calmness fell over me for a while. I think I need the bolstering of feeling BIG in order to get through some of that hard, messy work where I got it wrong. I don’t think I would have had the courage to have those hard, but very important, conversations with the people I hurt had I not felt puffed up and BIG. The truth is, I was feeling scared and small in those relationships, I am sad hurt happened, AND I am grateful I allowed myself space to practice setting clear boundaries so I can no longer be hurt.
So the calm came. For a time. Then my body started sending me distress signals. I am sad this part of my story ended with my gallbladder being removed. I feel incredible loss that part of me had to be removed for the rest of me to feel better. This has symbolic sorrow for me. I have been sitting with this as well. What I have come to so far is that maybe my gallbladder and I made a pact when my soul chose this body. My gallbladder was the canary in the mine, letting me know the environment of my physical body was becoming toxic. I have made changes on the other side of this experience to honor the sacrifice my gallbladder made for the good of the whole.
I made a new soul friend this year. A sister in motherhood and art and healing. We practice being seen in our sacredness together. We soul speak and share hard truths and connect to source and share that energy freely. I have NEVER experienced this with another human before. She is helping me stand so fully in my light in the presence of others which has been an incredible challenge for me previously. I know our meeting is no accident or coincidence, our souls came back to each other at the exact moment they were meant to so we can help one another stand in our light and RISE.
Relating to soul friends and community, I have incredible gratitude for my people. I called in a few soul friends for what I knew would be sacred healing work for me and we are creating something now I am proud to be part of. We are all practicing new ways of being, new ways of being seen, supported, held. It is scary and True and exciting and overwhelming. This group touches such raw things inside of me that sometimes it is excruciating AND I know this is exactly what I am meant to be doing and these are the people I am called to do it with.
From this group some of my work for next year has emerged. I am very clear on two areas; my work around further reconnection with my body AND work around my attachment wounds which translates to learning how to create and experience secure attachment in my intimate relationships, ie; my relationship with my husband and my relationship with my soul friends. I know I have some level of secure attachment in these relationships because of the safety I experience, I also know my attachment wounds are still present as well. I do not think the goal is to try to erase the wounds, that does not happen, the goal for now is to notice the trigger and observe rather than react.
My husband and I have been talking about my two healing goals for next year and have already started practicing things and making plans that will support me in this work. My work has always been our work because we are very clear that when one of us heals, we all heal. I am grateful to have a partner who is just that, my partner.
Another way I planning to lean into this work is through soul friend therapy. One of my soul friends has agreed to do sessions with me where we will explore deeper what secure attachment means to both of us and how to practice it together in our relationship. Hello truth speaking, boundary work, a sense of real love and safety inside of a relationship. I know this will be deep, difficult, life changing work for both of us and I am again grateful to have someone who loves me showing and saying Yes to the work with me.
I am also giving meaning thought to my body work. Yoga has been brought to me as an option by multiple people in recent months so it is impossible for me not to consider this option. I have all sorts of feelings about this and pretty much all of those feelings bubble out of deep wounds which tells me this is exactly where the work is and I should honor the pain by leaning in. There is a woman I will be speaking with about this in the weeks to come and I believe we are meant to hold this part of my work together until I am in a place of being able to hold myself. I am staying open and listening to my body as I flow through this.
Little bubby and I have found our stride. Self-care game is strong over here which will always make or break me in any relationship, but especially one that is as prevalent as this. I am bringing help a few hours a week so I have space to stay connected to Self and Source. I am writing, reading, and creating, which are my outlets. Plus I have just figured out how to be in it better with him. This was absolutely something I had to learn, this was not something ever taught to me – I was taught how to shut my feelings down and minimize my experience for the comfort of the adults around me. This was not a wound I was willing to pass on AND that does not mean I magically knew how to do it differently. I was doing my best for sure, and I have no shamey feelings at all about my attempts, I was doing really well. The difference now is that I am no longer trying, I just am. Before it felt like work, I was hustling, it felt emotionally draining – I was doing it but it felt hard. Now, it flows. I am much more tuned in and I feel connection to him and myself when I show up in it with him. I am excited about the year ahead, I am excited all that lies before us, next year and beyond.
I set a lot down this year. Relationships, expectations, unhealthy attachments.. It made a lot of room in my heart to pick things up that I think I am actually meant to be holding, mainly me. I am starting to gain a lot more clarity about my path forward in terms of how I radiate my healing and Love outward through my life’s work and my Purpose.
I feel 2020 is going to catapult me forward. It feels like a year of redemption. This year I believe is about adding to 9 and finding answers.
There is a vision that has been coming to me in pieces for the last 3 years, a month ago I saw the whole picture and received clarity on how to act. I do not know the why of the action, I do not know what the outcome will be – this is my Field of Dreams moment and I am going to trust that when I follow this action through it will bring me to where I am meant to be.
This year is big because of the number 9. I was 9 when I started healing myself through writing. This year I am 36, 3+6=9. My life path number is 33, a master number, 3×3=9. This year my husband and I will celebrate our 9 year anniversary. My number is coming up over and over and over. This year is about redemption. It is about healing the wounds of the 9 year old child through love and support through community, which she did not have in her time of pain. It is about standing in my power, with out force, through my connection to Self and Source which will lead me to my Purpose as a master number 33. This next year is also about Love. The kind of Love I dreamed of growing up, the Love my husband and little bubby and I share. The kind of Love that is created with commitment and connection.
This next year, where the numbers are symbolic, is about healing, the likes of which I have not yet experienced, the likes of which will change the game.
With all of this said and shared, I close with this;
I am grateful, as I have expressed so many times before, for the way this writing space has held me. For the way you have held me just by showing up and witnessing me. I know I am not being called to write here going forward. I am being called to others places, places that have been held for me until I was ready. I will not close this space down, it will remain and from time to time may still hold a middle of the night brain dump if needed.
This is my formal farewell and thank you though. My gratitude is immeasurable.
With my hand at my heart,
Jillian Baxter, the woman adding.