Content and Unsettled

This was the answer my soul friend gave when I asked her how she felt about something going on in her life right now.

I was immediately struck by her response. Content and Unsettled. Yesssss…. Something started going off inside me when she said it. Content and Unsettled.

That so beautifully sums up so many of the ANDS I am living in, so many of us are living, during the time of Covid.

Content and Unsettled.

I told her the word content, to me, means satisfied, full, okay, grateful, it feels abundant, it says this is enough.

Unsettled feels a little nervous, like things have been moved around unexpectedly and I am not quite sure how I feel about it yet.

I guess the difference is for me there is an element of certainty for me here as well. I know exactly how I feel about some of this change, sad. A deep raking sadness. One more AND exists for me.

My answer to how are you feeling in the time of Covid would maybe be closer to;

Content, Unsettled, and Grieving.

I have a well of gratitude so deep for the lessons that only a global trauma could have taught me. I am grateful for time and space that did not exist because we did not make it before. I am grateful for what has been churned up, for the shift in myself, my family, and parts of the collective. Priceless. This whole experience has been of value beyond measure.

AND

I feel ill at ease in some moments due to uncertainty.

AND

My grief feels bottomless at times.

 

To be able to say these things though, and feel these feelings all at once; to stand in the middle of a massive trauma experience and know I have me and all of this can exist together, and I will survive just as I always have.. To know it will not take me 20 years to process this grief, I am here now holding it with my joy and uncertainty. This is a safety the likes of which I have never known.

No checking out. No carrying the burden of unprocessed grief forward. No more self-abandonment. No more playing the victim.

Just Love. And Truth. And Feeling it all. And being gentle. And Being here in it.

Content and Unsettled and Grieving.

You nailed friend. Fucking nailed it.

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