Pause

Friends,

I will be practicing the pause for the next few weeks. There is lots of exciting happenings taking place right now and I am choosing to be completely inside all of it.

Updates and stories to come soon, until then I send love and invite you to join me over Here.

With my hand at my heart,

Jillian

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The Momma that is Needed

This post started with a deep breath, followed by a long exhale and an “ugh”.

I am in a pause. There are a million things on my list for today, most of which need to be done regardless of how I feel about doing them. As I stood in the threshold between the sun room and the living room I said out loud to myself I don’t want to.

I am in no mood today. No mood for that pile of dishes in the sink, no mood to clean bottles, no mood to sweep and vacuum the floors where little bubby plays for the millionth time this week, no mood to bake all of muffins and bread I bought ingredients to make, no mood to go to the store, no mood to start a load of laundry, no mood to put away that basket of clothes. I am in no mood.

The moment I spoke out loud to myself about how I was feeling, an energy shift took place. My internal mother showed up in gentleness and said Okay love, go rest.

She reminded me that is allowed here, self-sacrifice in not one of our family values.

It is important for me to write myself permission slips to rest when rest is needed, to be enough without being perfect, to pause. This kind of sacred self-care helps me interact with those I love and the rest of the world from a place of true connection. Loving myself well is how I am able to Love others well.

It is also important because my husband and I are the example of self-love and connection for little bubby. What he experiences from us will become what he knows.

My internal mother is very focused on being the mother I needed/need. She is very in-tune with what I am going through and shows up for me in that space. My connection to internal mother is part of what makes me the mother I am to little bubby. Being in-tune with his needs and showing up in that space (without self-sacrificing).

Sometimes when he is in the middle of rapid growth he is bursting with extra energy and what he needs is a mommy who will crawl around on the floor chasing him, sometimes he is curious and needs a mommy who allows him to experience the world without worrying about the mess that accompanies these experiences. Sometimes he needs a mommy who has patience and empathy while he melts down without clear reason because in this season of life we are not yet speaking the same language.

Sometimes the kind of mommy he needs and the kind of momma I need are different. Sometimes I need to rest while he wants to play. Sometimes I need to feel sovereign in my body and he needs to hang on me for hours. This is where the not self-sacrificing is key. There is delicate balance to strike here where I am not self-abandoning while staying deeply rooted in my connection with little bubby. I walk this line mindfully with a constant intention of holding both myself and this sweet soul who chose me in love at all times.

Today our needs are in line. My cycle is due to start and my body is in full ache. He is cutting three teeth at once. We are both needing rest and comfort. Today will be a cuddle and read books kind of day, a snuggle under the blankies and watch Sesame Street kind of day. Today we will take our time. We will not worship a to-do list. Today we will be gentle with each other and ourselves and practice the sacred pause as often as we feel called to.

I will not be taunted by dirty dishes, I will get those bottles clean at my own pace, I will be the momma that me and little bubby both need. A momma who knows love, and comfort, and connection are the priority today. Tomorrow might be a day of cleaning and clearing, it might be a day of play. Today will be exactly what we need it to be though because that is the kind of momma I am committed to being, the exact momma that is needed today.

Harnessing My Power

I am so hard in my JOY post Soul Camp.

With a lifelong burden finally lifted there is so much room for goodness and joy.

AND I am also feeling a little ungrounded.

All this space and freedom and lightness is so new and the word that is coming up for me as I explore the landscape of this new reality is overzealous.

Every door has been opened and I want to run into all of them at the same time and see everything they hold at once!

I am a bird who just discovered her wings and how to use them and now I want to circle the whole world three times in five minutes!

The energy of possibility and light and expansion is exploding out of every pore!

Here is what I am realizing though; the grounding is IMPORTANT.

The power is AWESOME – AND – it absolutely has to harnessed.

Luke Skywalker did not use his connection with the force to walk around flinging buildings out of his way because he could, he knew he had great power and that there was a time and place to use it.

There is a piece of me that is wanting to go underground while I work to figure out how I will use my powers because I am afraid of the mess I will make as I figure this out.

I am choosing not to act from that place of smallness.

This is the grace I am giving myself;

Birth is disorienting
Hatching is disorienting
Emerging from the cocoon, breaking through the surface of the soil.. Coming into the Light – is disorienting.

When you have been in the safety and comfort of familiar darkness, coming out of that space is A LOT.

I do not have this all figured out now. We are not born  knowing how to walk and talk. The bird does not come out flying, neither does the butterfly. The seed does not break the surface a flower.. It takes time to walk, talk, fly, and bloom.

My message here; Welcome home little one, now give yourself some time.

And while you do: ENJOY ALL OF THIS!!!

 

Man of My Dreams

A piece of sacredness I rescued from the boxes in the attic were the journals from my 15th and 16th year.

These journals hold my stories of the right the before and during of my biggest trauma, my first abortion.

I found them a few years ago in truth but I was still in the dark and not yet at that part of my healing. I was not ready to hold this girl and her pain. Now my truth is, I have been holding her for sometime. I was so happy to welcome her home and hold her and ALL of her truth in love.

Do you want to know something about this girl’s stories? They are all about love. This girl writes exclusively about love. It makes the pain she experienced that much more devastating because it was such a disconnection from the one thing she was living for, love.

She writes about the moon and the stars and her love of the natural world. She writes about boys and searching for something More that none of them seem to possess. She writes about a future she can see so clearly; a future that includes all the love she is longing for.

Side step for a moment and come back to right now with me; two weeks ago my husband came home from playing table tennis and we stayed up for hours in bed talking about life and what we are building together. It felt like that deep connection that comes from late night talks at slumber parties where you allowed a small piece of your soul to be revealed in a way you had never previously allowed. Only here we were pulling everything open and revealing it all and making real plans for a BIG life together. It was all connection and Love.

Back to my 15 year old self and her writing;

One entry in her book of love writing talked about this Love she knows she is meant to experience. A love that is made of picnics and cool breezes and staying up all night talking and feeling understood.

I read that entry the day after our up all night talking.

I already knew my husband and I chose each other for a reason. This girl and her writing showed me something; he is not just the man of MY dreams, he is the man of my 15 year old self’s dreams, he is the man of my 5 year old self’s dreams.. This Love that he allows me to experience outside of myself in relationship with another human is exactly what the longing was for.

I have been calling him in my entire life. It has always been me and him. He is the soul who agreed to walk me home, and he has done just that, and we will continue to walk each other home every single day for the rest of this life until we are both Home.

This is my truth about healing, Love, and wholeness. It is so beautiful. It is so sacred.

Making Deals with Cockroaches

A few months ago while my husband was at work a cockroach skittered across the living room floor. I knew this just would not do. Little bubby is crawling now, I have been mindful about keeping our environment clean enough for little hands to experience it safely.

I followed Mr. Roach talking calmly to him, letting him know my intention was not to hurt him, just to contain him until my husband gets home at which time he will be released to nature. I placed a cup on top of him and we went about our day, making sure not to disturb his cup.

When my husband came home I made him aware of the captive under the cup and asked him to take him out back. He did, just not in the way I intended.

I was in the bathroom changing little bubby’s diaper when I heard the too familiar crunch that comes just before the life of an insect is ended. I was devastated.

Why did you do that?! You could have just slipped a piece of paper under him and released him! 

I told my husband how I had promised the cockroach he wouldn’t be hurt and that he had made a liar out of me.

My husband made the point that he was not present when promises were being made and that I did not have the right to speak for him. If I wanted him to remove the cockroach he got to decide how he wanted to do that.

I knew he was right. It did not make me feel better. I lamented all night about the psychological anguish I caused this poor bug during his last hours of life. Trapped all day long just to be smashed hours later. It still makes me emotionally sick to recall. I hate that I essentially tortured this animal.

Fast forward to last week.

On Tuesday I was loading little bubby into the car when I noticed a cockroach on his back in the garage near my foot.

Let’s be clear, I am afraid of cockroaches. Maybe not as afraid as some people are; I do not go running and screaming. They do creep me out though. AND I believe they have as much right to walk this earth as I do and I would never deliberately harm one.

So.. I see Mr. Roach on his back, legs kicking, near my foot. I am creeped out AND I know he is a living being who has a right to be here. I make a deal with him; I am not going to hurt you and I am not going to help you. You have to save yourself. Good luck little buddy.

The next day when little bubby and I ran an errand, there was Mr. Roach still on his back, legs kicking. Again, I am not going to hurt you and I am not going to help you. I hope you are able to figure this out. Good luck.

Then Thursday we were leaving for the Science Center. I am not going to hurt you and I am not going to help you. You have to figure this out.

I was amazed he was still alive. It had been multiple days of him on his back kicking. No food, no water. I mean I don’t know how all of that works for cockroaches but most living creatures need nourishment of some sort to sustain..

It got to the point that I was spending sometime thinking about him. I was starting to really root for him. C’mon dude, don’t give up, find that last ounce of strength and flip yourself over!

On Friday my husband was home. We went into the garage to leave for the grocery. My husband was loading little bubby into the car when I heard it, CRUNCH.

Noooooo! Why did you do that!?

What?

Why did you kill the cockroach? He wasn’t hurting anything. We are outside, he has a right to be here.

He ran over my foot, he had to go. 

 

I was struck. I don’t blame my husband on this one, if an insect ran over my foot that might elicit a knee-jerk reaction in me as well out of fear. I was feeling so much at once; happy for the cockroach that he finally rolled himself over after working at it all week long, and then deep sorrow that all that effort was for nothing.

That day I learned 2 things;

  1. If I want a roach to be free I have to do the freeing because that is not my husband’s preferred method of removal.

AND

2. I have to stop making deals with cockroaches.

Changes

Good Morning Loves-

The RISE is happening over here at Adding to Nine and it is BIG!

Recently I have been sharing all the ways in which I am showing up in my life, my relationships, the spaces I occupy and being ALL IN.

This had included me stepping out of some relationships, hitting PAUSE on others, truth speaking, and holding deep gratitude and compassion for all the ways in which each person has touched my life and impacted my story.

I have been clearing and cleaning and organizing and shifting. I have been experimenting and exploring and stepping UP and stepping IN (as Yoda would say) to take my place in the greater order of things.

With this comes lots and lots of change. No judgment made on this change, there is LOTS though – no minimizing that truth.

What this means for Adding to Nine right now is change in posting frequency.

I am still writing every day, however now I am writing my book. I am putting my story down this time with the intention of sending it out, giving it wings. As I began I immediately realized this would impact the blog.

Now when I am feeling pulled to write any part of my story this is no longer the place I am coming to, it is the writing space that is holding the progression of the book. This space is not public because from a very human place I understand, I can’t give it away for free. 

So here is where I am at with it right now, I plan to continue my relationship with Adding to Nine because it does not feel completely finished. When it is, I will let you know. Until that time my presence will be less than it has been. Instead of multiple times per week, you will here from me once per week, I am thinking Monday so we can all jump into the week together.

I am also creating my presence over here on instagram; Hi friend, come hang out.

This is a new relationship for me but I am figuring it out. In time I think I will find my groove in terms of how often I hang out there etc.

I have given myself a timeline for the book. I will give updates as I go.

So yeah, here we are, you and me and Adding to Nine after all this time. Thanks for being here. Thanks for it all.

Sending lots of Love and Gratitude.

Jillian
Adding to Nine

Kisses Can Hurt

The story will be told in parts because that is all I have had for so many years, parts, not the whole. I am working my way back towards the whole, I am working my way back to being whole.

I don’t know how or when I arrived at my high school boyfriend’s home. I do remember laying on my back across the width of his bed staring at the ceiling, disconnecting, as tears rolled down my cheeks. The light was out, it was night, his room was dark, everything was dark and stayed that way for a long time.

He cried when I told him. I don’t know what I told him. I don’t think I had told my mother yet so the decision about the abortion was not yet made. I could have the timeline wrong. I just don’t know.

I do know that he did something that broke of a piece of my heart.. He brought his crying face down onto my belly and kissed it.

……I need to pause…..

 

 

 

 

He fucking killed me when he did that.

Up to that point I was actively disconnecting from my body and this reality AT ALL TIMES. There was no denying this truth when he did that.

For one excruciating moment this was true, and we were an accidental family, and I was a mother, and he was a father, and this was our baby.

I remember nothing after that. Nothing.

The curtain came down hard and all I had was the safety of my ability to completely disconnect from this.

I see now how I dishonored this life. He existed. I do not get to deny him that. My boyfriend acknowledged him immediately. That was the first time I did and it was only because my boyfriend’s action made it impossible for me not to. I could not handle it the truth though and I immediately turned everything off.

The only other time I acknowledged this life was the day of my abortion. I do not remember waking up, I do not remember getting dressed, I know my mother dressed me because I do remember what I wore. I do not remember seeing my brother, what lie had they tole him about this day? I do not remember seeing my parents at all until my mother is ushering me into the building passed the protesters.

That morning I am sitting in living room in the dark, it must have been early. I am alone on the couch and I am nauseous. This is my acknowledgment that life exists here. I am eating a saltine and I am with my baby, aware he is with me too. I can only be with him in that dark. This has always been true – until now.

I am getting closer now, closer to love and connection in this place of darkness and pain. I will find myself, and my babies, and hold it all in love. I know I am getting close because it hurts so bad, which means I am finally feeling it. I have to feel all of it to feel the love. I am getting close.

I buried the piece of my heart that broke off when he kissed my belly and forced me to acknowledge my baby and this connection. I am ready to bring that piece home. I want that connection back.

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