Two weeks ago my mother and I did something I never thought possible in our relationship, we practiced truth speaking.
It was HARD.
It was SO good.
I called her a few days after soul camp to wish her a belated happy Mother’s Day and check in. Early on in the conversation she cautiously asked if I had done the work I needed to do around my relationship with my brother in order to be able to step back into the relationship.
I told her I had done work around the relationship, Yes, AND I was not ready to return to the relationship. I asked her if she wanted to discuss where I was at with it and Why, she did.
I told the truth.
He abused me growing up. It was not “siblings fighting” it was abuse. Shattered bedroom door, holes in the wall, bruises on my body, strangulation until I passed out – I was terrified and it was abuse.
I was holding up a mirror she had been avoiding for a very long time. She had failed as a mother and my truths were the proof.
The truth speaking continued like this – me making room for her to be an imperfect mother, me letting her know I can love her and I will not reject her in this, AND truth speaking about my place of injury in these failures. I understand now it was never her failures that hurt, it was her rejection of me when she failed. By not owning her imperfections as a mother she was rejecting me every time she got it wrong. She was rejecting me because she could not hold the truth, that she was not the perfect mother. She rejected me because I was a reminder that she was not a perfect mother.
I told the truth that I am AS IMPORTANT as my brother, I am MORE IMPORTANT than my relationship with my brother, and I am MORE IMPORTANT than our family being whole. I AM IMPORTANT.
I told the truth that I will no longer carry my brother. I will no longer hold anything that is not mine to hold. I will not hold her pain over her failures, I will not hold my brother’s pain, I will not hold the pain of my family. I will ONLY HOLD MYSELF.
I told the truth that my brother is still spiraling, it just manifesting in different ways. He is still that 13 year old boy in his trauma. He has not showed up to hold his pain, rescue the parts of himself he has abandoned, and he is not loving himself well, if at all.
I told the truth that these truths about my brother make him feel unsafe to me and I will not expose any part of myself or my family to this.
I spoke my truth that I love my brother and I miss him, but not more than myself. I come first.
My mother asked questions and spoke truths as well and held her pain. It was hard and it was good.
For the first time in the history of our relationship I felt seen and heard in my pain and truths. The rug was lifted and we survived.
It was hard and it was good.
When I recounted this experience with my therapist she said one of the best things she has ever said to me; You are ready to have a girl.
I knew exactly what she meant.
I am in my power. I have done the work. I am saved and I am the one that did the rescuing. We are past the trauma because I am the mother of this vessel and the parts therein, I am safety. Because I now hold myself and my truths sacred and in deep deep love I am able to show others how this is done, including a daughter if one chooses me.
I came home and told my husband what my therapist said and his reaction filled me with so much joy.
I did it. I am on the other side!
There will always be work to do, the tree is never done growing until it dies, but I am done going back. Now it is time for me to find my way forward.
I know I still have some work to do related to my past but it is different now. It is from a place of power and love, not victim mentality and fear. Once these last few parts are scooped into my lap I will be unstoppable. This is what it looks like when a powerful woman rises.