6 month Update on Intentions

I stepped into this year with some pretty big intentions. I am proud to share that I am in it and have been all year long.

My three main intentions set at the end of December for the new year were;

Release my unhealthy attachment to my mother.
Release my fear of my story.
Through playing small.

A few months in I was doing so well seeing these intentions through and living with intention that I realized, I can go BIGGER.

Then I added;

Stand in my identity as an artist.
Allow myself to give and receive support in safe ways.
Clear physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual clutter to make room for what is coming.

So, here is where I am at;

After YEARS of conflict and heartache I have resolved my unhealthy attachment with Mom to a point of feeling safe enough in the relationship to truly show up. This intention will be my work for years to come I am sure because of the generational trauma in my family and the ways in which family members still show up to play this trauma out together. What I know is that I will no longer participate. I know what is mine and what is not and I am not opening my arms to hold anything that does not belong to me.

I have released my fear of my story in BIG ways. Hello writing openly about my abortions and loving all parts of me that are hurting, in darkness, and afraid. Hello stepping out of my relationship with my brother and holding everyone energetically responsible for their role in my childhood abuse. Hello falling deeply in love with who I am and this story that is only mine to hold and share as I feel called to.

Living mindfully in the above intentions this year has required me to be BIG. rfc (little bubby stopped by with Daddy to say hello and add a few letters, I am going to leave them). You cannot truth speak from a small place, you cannot honor yourself and your relationships from a small place, you cannot hold compassion for those who have hurt you while setting boundaries for your own ongoing safety. I have been BIG and I know now it is because I always was.

I am in my identity as an artist. I create every week, many times daily. I have dedicated time set aside for creating and I make time as pockets of time arise. I have been creating with intention to release my art into the world and have been practicing this by gifting art to every single person I love whom I have celebrated this year. Birthdays, weddings, graduations – everyone is getting love showered over them in the form of art. I am understanding that this year is about preparation. It is about owning who I am, building an inventory, and finding out what feels right in terms of how I want to show up in the world as an artist – next year will be the year I stand up boldly and DO. If this is the year of preparation, next year is the year of action.

I am still actively working on the intention surrounding support. I am building bridges and other emotional infrastructure to my island so I can practice giving and receiving in safe ways. The unlearning and unraveling from my prior unhealthy ways has been a process, I am in it and I am ALL in.

All year long I have been clearing on all levels. I do not want too feel burdened, I do not want to be holding anything that needs to be released. I want to live a life filled with joy and connection – that does not come when I am holding onto “stuff”. Still working this through and I am ALL in.

I am in a space of RAPID growth. I am setting goals, making timelines, and exceeding my own expectations. I am focused and have clear purpose. I know who I am, I know what my life is meant to be. I have spent enough of my life small and flailing, no more.

The time has come to unfold those wings.

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Making Space and Counting Gratitude

We are in the process of doing a deep cleanse of our home; we have been going through rooms one by one and taking inventory of our “stuff”, anything that no longer holds meaning, or a purpose, or serves us in some way is being released to make room for what comes next – whatever that might be.

We are also creating a home that works for us as we currently are. That means having a dedicated play area for little bubby that is separate from where he sleeps, a guestroom that has room to store baby things for possible next baby, a living area for adults (namely my husband and I) that is clear of baby things, and a dedicated art space for momma and family to create in.

We are getting there.

Tonight my husband is re-purposing a bookshelf from the guestroom as a toy and art supply storage shelf in the sunroom turned playroom and art studio. I am looking forward to setting up this room officially and finding a spot for everything.

While I create art throughout the week as I have snatches of time – during little bubby nap time, in the evening before bed, on the weekends when my husband is spending daddy time with little bubby – Friday night is my dedicated time for art each week. My husband plays table tennis every Friday night once little bubby is in bed and I have the house to myself for 3 or 4 hours to set myself free quietly creating.

I look forward to Friday night each week. I love that my husband and I both have something outside of each other, outside of parenthood and the responsibilities of life, that belong just to ourselves.

I am sitting in a lot of gratitude this morning. Gratitude for the ways in which little bubby’s arrival into our life and our home has created such intention in the way my husband and I are living as well as how we are choosing to show up in the world. His birth put so much into perspective for us. I am grateful for my husband who is always ALL IN with me. I may lead the charge but he is always ALL IN and we have experienced so much amazing growth together as a result. I am most grateful for this life I get to call my very own. I cherish it and all the love it holds. It is a good life, so so good.

 

ALL IN

On the other side of Soul Camp I am noticing some differences. The first major difference; no emotional hang over. This has NEVER happened before.

I normally feel emotionally jet lagged for about a week after a Soul Camp experience because I am doing work at Soul Camp that I am not actively practicing outside of the retreat in my real life. The act of allowing myself to be seen and vulnerable/real on that level always took a lot out of me. This time was different. I left feeling myself, and truthfully a bit energized. A weight had been lifted and that weight did not bring with it any form of hang over, just relief.

It took me no time to understand why this time was different; because I am different. I am truth speaking outside of Soul Camp, I am holding myself sacred in BIG ways outside of Soul Camp, I am not playing small and allowing myself to be seen outside of Soul Camp. I am no longer energetically asking Soul Camp to hold anything that I am not already actively holding on some level.

Another difference is intention.

My husband and I have been practicing intentional living in some form or another for years, this truth was certainly amplified when little bubby was born.

This Soul Camp I went in with very clear intentions and I followed through. I was committed to the work, no matter how hard, and I was committed to making every moment count because I understood what I was setting down at home in order to hold this experience. I was not going to dishonor this commitment I made to myself and my family.

I am excited as hell for what comes next. The shift is happening and I am ALL IN.

soul camp 2019

 

Creating Safety for Small Parts

I recognize that as I perform this rescue mission for my small part(s) that are afraid of being BIG there is some work here for me to do as I wait for them to warm up to the idea of being held.

They will come home when they are ready, I do not have to force this. What I do have to do is honor the commitment I am making to them – I will not abandon you – by showing up BIG in my relationships. This is what will create the feeling of safety for these parts so I can reconnect with them and step closer to ultimate goal of connection, wholeness, and love.

When I play small in my relationships I am abandoning this small part(s). I am energetically telling this part(s) of myself that she is not worthy of my love, that the other person is more worthy.

If at any point I am having to abandon a part of myself to experience love with another person I am not actually experiencing love.

Love comes from a connected whole place, never a place of disconnection. I do not throw the word never around lightly. This is my truth.

There are specific places right now in relationships where I can practice being BIG and I committed to this work.

My Mother-in-law is in town and I have been playing small. I will do my repair work with myself and stand in my truth in this relationship.

I also need to do some repair work with my husband. He and I have experienced disconnection as a result of both of us playing small around his mom. It does not feel good when he and I are not on the same team. I look forward to truth speaking with him to move towards realignment in our relationship.

There is a place where I have felt I need to do some repair work with soul family by owning a misstep I made with them. I look forward to practicing connection with them in this way.

Finally I recognize there are bigger ways for me to practice being BIG as well. These opportunities are on the horizon. It will not be easy and I am scared.

I know I can do hard things because I am not small AND I honor and hold the part(s) of me that are small in love as I stand in this truth.

This is how I create safety. This is my path forward towards love, connection, and wholeness.

With my hand at my heart I will walk my path forward in gratitude, courage, and love.

We All Go Together

Little bubby woke up crying before midnight. This is unusual for him. I went in, changed his diaper by the glow of the salt lamp in his room, and cuddled with him and his velvety bunny in his chair before putting him back to bed asleep.

I don’t think I will ever get tired of sleepy cuddles, even when I am sleepy too.

More than two hours later I am still awake. This is unusual for me. Sleep is valuable in our home, we savor it.

I had a breakthrough in my work today and I am unraveling from untruths. This is what keeps me up tonight.

What I realized today is that

  1. There are still ways in which I am playing small.
  2. There is at least one small part of me that needs to be welcomed home for the first statement to no longer be true.

The part(s) of me that play small does not magically disappear when I get to the point where I am fully connected to myself and am in my BIG place. In order to be fully connected to myself this part(s) of me has to be there, without her I am missing a piece of myself and remain in disconnection.

This is tricky.

This part(s) is small. She does not understand what being BIG is. Moreover, because she is small and being small is her whole job, being BIG feels scary.

Being BIG, truth speaking, loving myself without shame, holding myself sacred and worthy, allowing everyone else to hold themselves.. That was not allowed in the place she came from. Doing these things meant intense rejection, it meant not belonging, it was wrong and bad and forbidden.

BIG feels scary.

She is the part that shows up and whispers warnings in my ear about the danger of my mission to be BIG.

Pssstt.. Be careful.. You will only get hurt.

I hear you little one. I see you. I know you are scared.

Please know that my lap is open to you when you are ready to be held.

Until then please hear me, we are going to be okay. I love you. I am your belonging. I will not abandon you. You will always belong here.

You will always belong here.

I am home. I am safety. I am belonging. I am love. We no longer have to look outside for these things – they are here.

Please know that the door is open, my lap is open, I welcome you home when you are ready to be held in love.

Belonging

There are places you belong, where you will find your belonging. It will be in arms, in love, in hope, in security. Sometimes it will be in people, sometimes in places. One thing is clear – you NEVER belonged there.

You the know the there I speak of – the place where the pain is.

In the bed of the man who raped you. In the hands of your brother as he attempted to squeeze the breath from your body. In the church that told you every Sunday how wrong you were. In the car bleeding. The clinic having life removed forcefully from your womb.

You NEVER belonged there.

Yet there you were. Putting on your brave face. Struggling to survive it. Abandoning yourself to save yourself.

There is no shame in our efforts to survive.

I know where I do not belong now. I will not go back to those places now that I am finally saved from them. I will not stay anywhere I am not meant to belong. I was never meant to be long there – I have already stayed too long; in my pain, my shame, my struggle. Too long.

There are places I want to be long – there are places I want to be forever. I am off to find my belonging and I am sure at this moment it is deciding that it is off to find me too.

invitation art

I Will Not Look Away

I have been tangling with judgment lately. I have been trying to untangle. These roots run deep.

I am self-righteous. I judge. I still project my pain.

Projecting is so easy and it feels so good.

I don’t want to feel my insecurities around mothering so I will look at what you are doing and find flaws. 
I don’t want to address my own unhealthy habits so I will fixate on yours and feel superior.
I don’t want to admit my fears so I will criticize yours.

I like it when it is all about you and never about me. I like getting to be the right one while you are over there being wrong. I like being superior. I like being big.

I am not big here. This is not my BIG place. When I create any kind of disconnection from love I am certainly not BIG. This is me being small.

I am not meant to stay small.

We all struggle. Instead of seeing someone else’s hard time for what it is, pain and struggle, I am wanting to use it for my gratification.

If I am willing to see the truth about the pain and struggle of others it means I have to be willing to hold my own truths about my pain and struggle as well.

This is being BIG.

Being BIG means not looking away from pain. It means loving someone in their struggle and pain. It means loving myself in my pain and struggle.

Projection feels so good, it is so easy. Deep love takes work, it is hard.

I can do hard things. I am not small. I am BIG.

I choose love and all the hard AND goodness that comes with it. I am ready to set down my judgement and self-righteousness to pick up LOVE. I will not look away from pain.

I choose love every time.

i choose love and joy and peace