This week started with me caught in the current of the river rapid I have long called mother. After the flood of emotions, I once again stabilized my vessel by freely accepting love from my husband and calling in my support from soul family and friends.
The week has carried on calmly.
Yesterday I started to make my plan for how to address the transgression that led to the emotional upheaval. In doing so I decided to call on the Universe and my own intuition for guidance and support.
I pulled cards from three decks – Self-care, Mother’s Wisdom, and Work Your Light.
My over arching question being what should I be doing about my mother?
The messages were clear. One in particular was clarity that I desperately needed.
While I have unraveling my attachment to my family of origin, specifically my mother, the feeling of being a motherless child has continued to rise and it is painful. That child does not want to be motherless. The world does not feel safe without a mother. My truth is, for so long my mother is part of what has made the world feel unsafe.
Still, this child has been searching. She does not want to be without a mother. Her question is, Who is my mother? If it is not her, than who? We have to have a mother!
I have felt like the little bird from the book. Abandoned and scared in my nest, then deciding – I will go find my mother. I search everywhere – in other relationships, in food, in shopping, in drinking, in work.. All along asking, Are you my Mother?
Are you the thing that can replace her?
Are you the thing that can bring the comfort I so long for?
Just like the bird I have discovered over and over the answer is No.
My husband is not my mother.
Ice cream is not my mother.
Clothing is not my mother.
Alcohol is not my mother.
Work is not my mother.
None of this will replace her. None of this will heal the wound she created. None of this will fill my void.
The card I pulled to answer the question, Who is my Mother? was Pachamama.
The words I read washed over me bringing me the comfort and truth I had been searching for;
You are within her and she is within you. You are inseparable from Pachamama. Sitting among the trees you can feel this bond.
This is a truth I have known. I possess the mothering comfort I am seeking and it is all around me.
Our Oak tree’s name is Nana for a reason. She is maternal, she is comfort.
What I seek is within me as well. I do not need to look outside of myself for the love I am needing.
I am sitting with each message I received and the truth they are leading me towards.
I am grateful for guidance and support in all of it’s forms.
I am grateful for eruptions that bring deeper connection to my truth.
I am grateful for the reminder that I am what I am seeking.