Re-Defining Safety

Fear, shame, and doubt popped up this morning to tell me untruths about the danger of what I am doing. They were warning me about the calamity that will come from allowing myself to walk openly out in the world with my heart exposed. What you are doing is dangerous – you will only get hurt! 

I scooped my little ones into my lap and held them close as I examined where these messages were coming from. What I did not do was believe the messages. I did not shrink. I can no longer pretend to be what I am not, and I am NOT small.

I started to wonder what these littles learned about love and about feeling things – any things, all things.

To love openly is dangerous.
To feel what we’re feeling openly, freely, publicly, truthfully is dangerous.

This is where disconnection happens. Right here in these untruths.

This is where we shut off our heart, our soul, our creativity, our ability to be with each other and experience connection.

We become hard, rigid, afraid, empty. We create a void and the only thing that can fill that void is the exact thing we are running from, the thing we told ourselves was dangerous. Love is the missing piece. Allowing ourselves to feel what we feel without shame, without fear – this is the only way to fill the void and reconnect with our truth about who and what we are. Some people call this our essence, some people say light and love, some people say sacred, some say holy. I like all of these words, right now the word that has been coming up for me is color. I am bright, boundless, exploding, illustrious color. The word is not what matters, the feeling that rises up when you know you are home in your truth – that is what matters.

When any part of me wants to play small I think I am ultimately looking for safety. I have to keep showing all parts of me over and over and over that we can be BIG and safe. I am comfort. I am love. I am safety – These arms, this heart, this lap, these words. I am safety AND I am NOT small.

I want to take a moment to recognize the monumental growth I have experienced when it comes to holding myself in love and sacredness. In years past when shame came to visit (multiple times a day) it was a tornado of an experience and I was always sucked in. Today it took me a matter of moments to say out loud, No. This is not my truth., and then hold the pieces of myself that were experiencing fear, shame, and doubt in love and gentleness. I am a good mother and all of me feels that truth deeply because of the way I have learned to love and nurture myself.

What I am doing is not dangerous, it is the most courageous thing I have ever done.

Sweet girl, 

You are. You know. All you have to do is trust.

daisy

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Shallow Water

My night terrors returned two weeks ago, as did my fear of the dark.

The night terrors are awful but I would not have given it much thought, I have had them most of my life. Yes, I thought things were getting better but an occasional night terror would not necessarily raise a red flag for me. The fear of the dark though.. I knew something was not right, I have moved through that work, I reconnected with the piece of myself that dwells in the dark, this shouldn’t be happening.

One of the intentions I set for myself this year was releasing my fear of my story and embracing/owning my story in love.

The Universe heard me.

I have declared that I am done hiding, done shrinking, done running from myself, and now things are starting to come back to me.

I do not have all of my memories, especially as it relates to my trauma. Parts of me are starting to wake up now because energetically I am calling this work in.

The night terror I had was a flashback and it was terrifying. It changes things. It is the start of the shift because now that this memory/piece has come back to me I cannot go on acting like I don’t know. I cannot go back to the smaller version of myself, I have to act.

I am understanding my fear of the dark is resurfacing because my story is resurfacing and parts of me are still afraid of the truth – with good reason. I know which part of me lives in the dark though, she is the best one. I will not turn my back on her now. I will step into the darkness with her, hold the parts of me that are scared, and do my ultimate rescue mission.

A week after the initial night terror I had another. This one was not a flashback, it was a very clear message from the parts of me that are big, that are resilient, that are strong.

In the dream I was laying on my back in shallow water, I was drowning. The water kept splashing over my mouth and nose just enough to make it impossible for me to catch my breath – it was sure to be a slow agonizing end. I was terrified and trying to call for help but there was no one to save me, this is my story – I was never saved. Then some piece of me whispered in my ear, Sit up. I did and I was saved. I had the power all along to save myself.

I will carry this message as I follow these intentions through this year.

I release my fear of my story because it is time for me to go back and rescue every part of me that was ever left behind.
I am done playing small because I am big and it is time for me to sit up and save myself.
I am no longer interested in trying to belong somewhere I do not belong because to do so feels like drowning a slow painful death in shallow water.

I am not small. I can do hard things. I am the hero of my story.

hero

I Will Figure It Out

I have not even officially started my new position yet but already I have started experiencing personal growth. It has come in the form of organization, resourcefulness, and over all confidence.

I am perceiving type on the MBTI spectrum and one of the ways this shows up for me is that I am messy at home. Now this side of me has been reigned in big time over the last 6 years because I live with an ISTJ who gets stressed out by mess. We have both had to move towards the middle. At any given time there is still a few dishes in the sink waiting to be washed or a pile of clean clothes waiting to be put away etc.

Where I step out of this aspect of my perceiving type is when I am at work. In order to work effectively with a clear mind and stay focused I have to have a clear, organized work space.

Well now I am working from home. So these two different aspects of my personality have been forced to share space in a way they have never had to before so there definitely has been some growth happening here. I think the end result is that I will now be less messy and more organized at home out of necessity to be able to do my work. My husband will love this and I will find a way to allow my messy self to express herself in other ways. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I will figure it out.

I think that has been my mantra for this job so far; I will figure it out.

It is both a way to ease my mind when I feel stuck and a war cry. I can say it gently to get myself through a stressful moment and I can beat my chest and scream it out when I feel frustrated and need empowerment.

I will figure it out.

The best part is I know it is true and that is where I have already experienced so much growth in terms of resourcefulness and confidence.

One example is, I have had to follow a lot of written instructions to be able to check trainings and other things off my list as I get ready to start. This has been challenging for a few reasons:

  1. This is not my preferred learning style. I am visual and tactile which for me translates to show me how and then let me do it.
  2. On more than one occasion the instructions have been out of date.

My I will figure it out mantra has saved my sanity through all of this.

Today I have a phone conference scheduled where I will be taught how to navigate the EMR system so this morning  I downloaded the EMR system to my laptop. The instructions I had to follow are out of date so the steps are no longer relevant. This resulted in me figuring it out on my own, which I did, kinda. I totally recruited my husband briefly just to double check that I wasn’t crazy and the instructions were in fact out of date.

What I have realized in all of this is that although I will have the support of mentors in my agency, and agency supervisors, and even my husband from time to time as appropriate, at the end of the day it is up to me to figure this stuff out. AND I will.

I will figure out the EMR. I will figure out a way to be organized at home while still honoring my messy pieces who want to relax and not work so hard to be organized. I will figure out each new challenge I am presented with because I know I am capable of doing so.

So now while I wait for my conference call later today I will go do that load of dishes and put away that pile of clean clothes. I will set myself up for success, and be willing to fail, and know that through all of it I will figure it out.

infp go getter

 

 

Willing to Fail

courage

Throughout my life there have been those who have stood by in the shadows willing me to fail. I know this to be true. It is true for all of us. Since we do not leave this life with clean hands that means along the way we pick up critics. Those whom we have wronged, and those we have not but decide we are their target none the less. And the more we dare to be seen in our truth and greatness the louder those critics will become. Banging on cans, sending out warnings, anxiously posted on the sideline of a life half-lived with their I-Told-You-So’s perched on the tip of bitter tongues waiting for the moment that is inevitable: your failure.

Your failure they willed for so hard that they now want to take credit. Well the credit is not yours to claim my friend so I invite you to sit back down.

My failures belong to me alone. I own them. You will never be able to tell me a single thing about my greatest failures because you do not know what it means to be willing to fail. My greatest triumphs have come from my greatest failures. My greatest lessons, my truest love; all built from the bones of my most stupendous failures.

You cannot cut me with your wicked words and ill intentions. You cannot scare me with your warnings of impending doom. I know what lies ahead. I know I am destined to fail. I know that in order to get where I am going I have to be willing to fail.

So please, take your seat and bite your tongue. Swallow those bitter words down. The fear you are trying to bestow upon me is a mere projection of your own greatest fear: to not only fail but to believe in yourself enough to be willing to fail, knowing that is the only way to succeed.

While you stay in the shadows willing me to fail, I have been standing here all along willing to fail.

it is not the critic who counts