I have been having some feelings about the way I am starting this blog. I have been under a cloud for a few weeks now and to make matters worse for myself I have been struggling in the self-compassion department. I have been relying more on outside love and validation than focusing on how I can show up for myself. I have not been showing up for myself. I am mad at the part of me that is holding me hostage under this cloud, I want to be free to return to the sunshine.
Tonight as I was getting ready for bed my self-doubt got real loud and aggressive. My not-good-enoughs showed up in full force; you are a fraud, you cannot do this, you did not earn your A’s, you do not deserve your degree, you don’t know anything; you are going to fail, you are going to fail, you are going to fail and end up alone.
My not-good-enoughs are brutal.
I talked to my husband for a while who was able to normalize what I was feeling and help put everything in perspective. I felt a lot better after our talk. Then we watched two Neil DeGrasse Tyson videos because he ALWAYS makes me feel better. I once read that one of his life missions is to lessen human suffering and I can personally say that he has done that for me time and time again with his wisdom and gentleness.
After the videos I started thinking, as his videos always lead me to do, and I remembered my intention for the year: transformation.
That was a big intention to put out there, I wonder if I fully understood what I was signing up for when I breathed life into it?
The thing is transformation is not an easy process, not at all. It is not easy or tidy or painless. It is in fact the complete opposite across the board; transformation is scary and messy and incredibly painful. A seed that is planted beneath the earth has to force it’s way to the top, all on its own, through layers and layers of seemingly endless dirt to finally arrive where the light exists. I cannot begin to imagine how overwhelming that process must feel for that seedling; once its little leaves feel the warmth of the sun for the first time I am sure it all seems worth it though. When a caterpillar goes into the dark alone and grows wings it is not an easy, tidy, painless process; the results make all of that scary, messy pain worth it though. When a woman grows a child in her womb the process nor the end result are easy, tidy, or painless; yet again once everyone has survived the fear and agony of birth it all feels worth it.
I am about to peek my little head above the surface and I am scared. I am terrified. It is right now in this moment just weeks before my something new begins that I am most afraid but I know – I just KNOW- greatness lies on the other side of this pain and fear.
It is okay that I am feeling this way. It is okay that I am not hiding it. This is honest, this is the truth. My hard times carry as much value as my joy and their story is worthy of being told too. I am not always great at showing up for myself, it is a constant work in progress, I will always be trying though and tonight I have found my way with the help of my husband, and Neil, and Maya.
Sometimes you just need reminders; reminders that we all feel this way, reminders that even nature struggles through messy beginnings, reminders that there are no rules that say beginnings, middles or ends have to be beautiful, reminders that even when you feel alone you never are – even in my moments of deepest disconnection I am connected to the universe and all the life within it.
I am grateful for mindfulness, and compassion, and the awesome wisdom of those who inspire me. I am grateful for courage, and love, and willingness to be seen even when I am doing my best to hide. I am grateful for my path, and my truth, and knowing that I do not have to be in control all the time – the sun will still rise with or without me.
I am grateful for this life. Truly, truly grateful. Grateful beyond measure.