Losing You Was My Becoming

Last night I struggled.

I was triggered during the day by something my mother said in passing and by bedtime I was unwound. I was face down in my husband’s lap balling. It did not stop there. I cried when we went to bed. I woke up an hour after going to bed and cried some more. My husband held me and talked me through it as best he could.

This morning he let me sleep. He got up with little bubby and handled the morning routine. Two hours later I came out to a quiet house. Little bubby was taking his first nap, my husband was sitting on the couch watching the news on low volume. I was greeted by his smile and by the wagging tail of my excited Lucy.

I pat Lucy’s head and crawled into my husband’s lap.

I have been holding in all the pain and grief. I have been trying so hard to remain functional. The lid is off.

I asked to feel my pain and The Universe obliged. I am in pain.

I have decided to attempt to talk honestly with my parents one last time about our dysfunction and working towards healing as a family. If this message falls on deaf ears, as my previous attempts have, that is it for me. I will not subject any of my babies (internal or little bubby) to this swamp.

I am raw and reeling and trying desperately to keep my head above water. AND there is a deep sense of peace rising from my power center because this is the decision that has been waiting to be made and finally I am here.

I never wanted to be here AND somehow I have known I was coming.

Right now I do not feel big. I do not feel much like a hero. I am though and even if I don’t feel it, I know it is true.

Because here I am, going through it, not running. I am doing hard things. It is so hard.

I am scooping everyone into my lap and I am walking out of this place we do not belong…

And I am not afraid.

losing you was my becoming

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Weird

My work schedule is such that right now I am getting lots of time for self-care and exploration, which is nice, AND at times I can feel myself get lost inside myself. Sometimes I introvert a little too hard. I can crawl inside my head, my art, my books, my writing, and disappear for a while. Tomorrow is my Monday in terms of the start of my work week and I feel the need to resurface after multiple days of deep processing.

One way I thought would be fun to do this is to write a surface level post to start my grounding process.

My inspiration comes after a conversation I had with someone recently about our weird. Our weird being the stuff that makes us different, our unexpected parts that people wouldn’t know just by looking at us, it is what it says it is: weird.

5 Weird Things I Like

Black olives. When I was a kid and my extended family would get together for birthdays and holidays, black olives were one of the snacks put out by my grandma. She would literally just open a can and dump them on a plate for us. My cousin’s and I would go into the kitchen and put one black olives on each finger and then run around the house with black olive fingers. I love black olives.

Lots of pillows. I sleep with 6 pillows compared to my husband’s 3. 4 under my head and then one on each side of my body for me to throw a leg over when I sleep on my side. It’s kind of a Princess and the Pea situation but instead of lots of mattresses for me it is lots of pillows.

The smell of new pool floats. That rubber/plastic smell that you breathe in as you are trying to blow up your inner tube for the pool, I love that smell.

My lower back always hurts during my cycle so I lay on my stomach on the floor and have my husband step on my back. The pressure it puts on my back and my uterus feels SO good. I have him do this multiple times a day as needed.

Lunch for breakfast. My entire life I have not been a breakfast person. I wake up angry, not hungry. And even if I did wake up hungry it would not be for stereotypical breakfast food, it would be for vegetables or soup. I skip traditional breakfast and opt for an early lunch instead.

5 Weird Habits

I talk to nature. Animals, plants, trees, water, dirt, rocks, all of that. Animals and trees especially.

I struggle with eye contact. Some people do and I am one of them. Even with people I know really well I am able to hold it for short bursts but it’s hard to keep it for too long. I have a hard time thinking straight and getting my words out because I get so disarmed by this feeling that the other person in able to look inside of me. It just feels really really really intimate.

I carry a small heart shaped bell in my pocket everywhere I go. I picked it up at a shop near the beach on my way home from the first Soul Camp I ever attended. That was a weekend filled with heavy emotional healing work and this bell made me feel light and joyful which was needed. I’ve been carrying it ever since as a way to keep light and joy with me out in the world.

I carry ear plugs in my wallet. I have sensitive ears and I never know when I might need them unexpectedly.

I get weirdly particular about certain things. I think everyone does. For example, certain cups in my cupboard are for certain teas and certain cups/mugs are only for coffee. My dark blue tea cup is for bed time tea and relaxation teas, my golden yellow tea cup is for spicy teas, and my “You’re the Best” mug is only for coffee – never tea.

5 General Weird Things About Me

I have a really hard time with the word portrait. I drive my husband nuts because whenever I try to say this word I end up saying it over and over like 7 times trying to get it right. No matter what I do it says wrong coming out of my mouth. I say pOtrAIt, then I say pORtrait, then I say pORtrAIt, PO-trait, PO-trait, POOR-trait. Then I give up and say picture instead.

I have a hammer toe on each foot. They are not cute AND I love them. They are a gift from my father, along with the dry lizardy skin on my arms. I got all my dad’s best traits.

Funny dances. Funny dances are a very big part of my life. Funny dances come up in my relationship with my husband, my niece and nephew, and my spunky dog (she and I have dance parties when my husband is at work all the time!). Funny dances make everything better. Hubs is having a bad day? Bust out a funny dance and everyone is happy.

I can pick my nose with my tongue. To be clear,  I don’t, it is just a weird fact about me. I have a long tongue.

I have a stationary collection AND I am anti-birthday cards. I love cards and stationary for the purpose of letter writing but I do not give birthday cards UNLESS I have a special sentiment I want to share with the birthday person. Birthday cards for the sake of a card I do not do though. Call me a frugal ass but I think it is a frivolous obligatory waste of money.

 

 

 

Realignment

nature meditation

The last two days I have taken my daily meditation outside. Next to our home we have a beautiful park with trees and ponds teeming with life. This park is quiet, it is less visited, which allows the life there to go on undisturbed.

Yesterday I sat in the grass near the water’s edge and watched the duck couple that lives there eat. I watched a squirrel in the cypress who was watching me right back. I let myself get lost in the gentle movement of the water.

This morning Lu and I went back to the park. This time I took my morning tea and sat on a bench under two mature Laurel Oaks near the second pond and again watched life unfold before me. I watched all the water birds conduct their morning routines; the blue heron cleaning his plumage from the oak branch he managed to perch his majestic body on, I watched the duck couple sitting on the other side of the bank, I watched the great egret walk laps around the pond.

Both days I felt the breeze on my face as it moved through the trees and across the pond. I listened while birds sang from the oak and cypress trees surrounding the park. I felt myself breathe easier, I felt unwanted energies slip away.