Sometimes You Have Someone to Rescue

I was just hit hard by something I read, it relates to everything I know about experiencing a shift and not being able to go back to the smaller version you once were.

Hazel had read enough books to know that a line like this one is the line down which your life breaks in two. And you have to think very carefully about whether you want to cross it, because once you do it’s very hard to get back to the world you left behind. And sometimes you break a barrier that no one knew existed, and then everything you knew before crossing the line is gone. But sometimes you have someone to rescue. And so you take a deep breath and then step over the line and into the darkness ahead.

The book I am reading is not a self-help, it is not spiritual or philosophical, it is not a book that makes you think or question (at least I do not believe that was the author’s intention). It is a young adult fantasy. I read mainly fiction and inside that genre I read mainly fiction that contains an element of magic or make believe. Part of my survival growing up depended on my ability to disconnect, my ability to create beautiful alternate realities where home was safe, siblings were fun, and mother’s loved their children. My imagination has always been one of my greatest powers; it protected me from harsh truths my delicate pieces could not handle.

To this day I love stories with whimsy, imagination; stories that are magical where realities can be bent and you can count on the world around you to come alive and help you. Whether it is a talking animal or being held and comforted in the maternal arms of the Oak.

I know this has much to do with my artistic leanings towards fantasy landscapes – I like to create worlds that you could step through the canvas into. My little pieces like to have places to go when reality feels like too much.

Coming back to what I read –

This spoke to me. It is how I feel after experiencing a shift. My heart is bigger on the other side of that line I crossed and I cannot go back to the before, the place where my heart was smaller. She is right, you do have to think carefully about that decision because there is loss involved in stepping over a threshold like that.

But sometimes you have someone to rescue. And so you take a deep breath and then step over the line and into the darkness ahead.

I have stepped into my darkness so many times to perform rescue missions. I know the rescue is worth anything that could be lost in the process. Finding a piece of yourself in the dark, picking her up, carrying her home to the light… Once you’ve done it you know. You know you would be willing to put down every single person and every single thing that you thought was important if that is what it would take to pick that piece of you up.

I am grateful for this reminder of one of my very sacred truths tonight. It is validation of the path I am walking.

I am not afraid of the dark, some of my deepest truest loves were rediscovered in the darkest places. I will continue to venture into the dark unknown until I my heart tells me that all parts of me have been welcomed home. I will not leave any piece of me behind as I walk my path forward, we all go together.

the swamp


Seeing Yourself and Crying at the Sight


I watched the new Anne of Green Gables series today. I went into it sure I would not like it because I loved the original Anne and Matthew so dearly from when I was a child. I was wrong though, I love this story too much to not love any version of it that is created.

I remember being a child and feeling understood because there was a character like myself that was both sweet and curious who loved nature and all living things but also had a hard time and got into trouble a lot for not following rules that she could not make sense of. Anne Shirley, and Maria von Trapp, and Dorothy Gale, and Alice in her wonderland made me feel like it was okay to be curious, and absent minded, and forward, and both heard and seen.

Anne and Maria in particular have always been important characters  for me in terms of feeling understood and okay the way I am. Later in life other characters came along that brought further joy and validation, such as Belle from Beauty and the Beast (up to that point I did not enjoy Disney princess movies and stuck to the animal Disney movies like 101 Dalmatians), and Ellie from Up, and Luna Lovegood.

Today as I watched this new Anne I found myself brought to tears multiple times. I saw so much of my little self in this character. The way she uses her imagination and idealism to save her, I don’t think a true grounded realist could ever understand how powerful that is. It is the reason sweetness survives.

In books and movies inevitably these characters are looked at as foolish and strange among other more biting labels by the more practical characters in the story such as Marilla and Mother Superior. With that though, there is no denying these characters are magic and dearly loved.

I think you know an INFP by how they make you feel. I have always known an INFP because they speak a language that I speak fluently but few others seem to understand.