Losing You Was My Becoming

Last night I struggled.

I was triggered during the day by something my mother said in passing and by bedtime I was unwound. I was face down in my husband’s lap balling. It did not stop there. I cried when we went to bed. I woke up an hour after going to bed and cried some more. My husband held me and talked me through it as best he could.

This morning he let me sleep. He got up with little bubby and handled the morning routine. Two hours later I came out to a quiet house. Little bubby was taking his first nap, my husband was sitting on the couch watching the news on low volume. I was greeted by his smile and by the wagging tail of my excited Lucy.

I pat Lucy’s head and crawled into my husband’s lap.

I have been holding in all the pain and grief. I have been trying so hard to remain functional. The lid is off.

I asked to feel my pain and The Universe obliged. I am in pain.

I have decided to attempt to talk honestly with my parents one last time about our dysfunction and working towards healing as a family. If this message falls on deaf ears, as my previous attempts have, that is it for me. I will not subject any of my babies (internal or little bubby) to this swamp.

I am raw and reeling and trying desperately to keep my head above water. AND there is a deep sense of peace rising from my power center because this is the decision that has been waiting to be made and finally I am here.

I never wanted to be here AND somehow I have known I was coming.

Right now I do not feel big. I do not feel much like a hero. I am though and even if I don’t feel it, I know it is true.

Because here I am, going through it, not running. I am doing hard things. It is so hard.

I am scooping everyone into my lap and I am walking out of this place we do not belong…

And I am not afraid.

losing you was my becoming

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A Part

Alone at night, my husband out with a friend visiting from out of town. Alone, little bubby sleeping soundly.

A Lone.

Tired. Have been all day. Soul weary tired. empty. Without.

I will watch a movie, no energy for art or writing. Lay quietly.

Then it happens.

Hi. You’ve come a long way haven’t you little one? It hasn’t been easy has it? One day you’ll tell me all about it. You’ll tell me everything. I’ll always listen. Always.

I pause. I rewind. I listen again. I pause. Someone in me starts to shake. I feel a vibration strengthening.

I open my lap, call her in and say the words out loud.

Hi. You’ve come a long way haven’t you little one? It hasn’t been easy has it? One day you’ll tell me all about it. You’ll tell me everything. I’ll always listen. Always.

I erupt. From nowhere and everywhere my screaming pieces rise out of me and fly. Breathless sobbing. Everything I have been holding in, pushing down. Grief, pain, loss, separation, fear, anguish- flows out of me, a faucet that cannot be shut off.

I think my lap cannot be big enough. I am not enough to hold all of this.

Lies.

This is my crying baby. She is mine. I will hold her and love her. All I have is enough.

I am enough.

I cannot do it anymore. I cannot be apart from myself.

These stories are hard. It has not been easy. I will listen. I will always listen.

I finally found my baby. I will never set her down again.

owee

 

 

Sometimes You Have Someone to Rescue

I was just hit hard by something I read, it relates to everything I know about experiencing a shift and not being able to go back to the smaller version you once were.

Hazel had read enough books to know that a line like this one is the line down which your life breaks in two. And you have to think very carefully about whether you want to cross it, because once you do it’s very hard to get back to the world you left behind. And sometimes you break a barrier that no one knew existed, and then everything you knew before crossing the line is gone. But sometimes you have someone to rescue. And so you take a deep breath and then step over the line and into the darkness ahead.

The book I am reading is not a self-help, it is not spiritual or philosophical, it is not a book that makes you think or question (at least I do not believe that was the author’s intention). It is a young adult fantasy. I read mainly fiction and inside that genre I read mainly fiction that contains an element of magic or make believe. Part of my survival growing up depended on my ability to disconnect, my ability to create beautiful alternate realities where home was safe, siblings were fun, and mother’s loved their children. My imagination has always been one of my greatest powers; it protected me from harsh truths my delicate pieces could not handle.

To this day I love stories with whimsy, imagination; stories that are magical where realities can be bent and you can count on the world around you to come alive and help you. Whether it is a talking animal or being held and comforted in the maternal arms of the Oak.

I know this has much to do with my artistic leanings towards fantasy landscapes – I like to create worlds that you could step through the canvas into. My little pieces like to have places to go when reality feels like too much.

Coming back to what I read –

This spoke to me. It is how I feel after experiencing a shift. My heart is bigger on the other side of that line I crossed and I cannot go back to the before, the place where my heart was smaller. She is right, you do have to think carefully about that decision because there is loss involved in stepping over a threshold like that.

But sometimes you have someone to rescue. And so you take a deep breath and then step over the line and into the darkness ahead.

I have stepped into my darkness so many times to perform rescue missions. I know the rescue is worth anything that could be lost in the process. Finding a piece of yourself in the dark, picking her up, carrying her home to the light… Once you’ve done it you know. You know you would be willing to put down every single person and every single thing that you thought was important if that is what it would take to pick that piece of you up.

I am grateful for this reminder of one of my very sacred truths tonight. It is validation of the path I am walking.

I am not afraid of the dark, some of my deepest truest loves were rediscovered in the darkest places. I will continue to venture into the dark unknown until I my heart tells me that all parts of me have been welcomed home. I will not leave any piece of me behind as I walk my path forward, we all go together.

the swamp

Playing Pretend

Last night at my parents house my husband and I were playing pretend with my 7 year old niece, Moo. We were all superheros and we were working on a plan to hoodwink Robin (of Batman and Robin) because he had pranked Batman (played by Moo) by painting the Batcar Pink. Moo made me Wonder Woman and my husband Beer Man. When we asked who Beer Man was she said the guy who gets everyone beer. I almost cried laughing. Neither of us could figure out where she came up with this as my husband rarely drinks and her parents do not drink AT ALL, beer should not really be on her radar. Then when she started coming up with more villains we figured it out..

She named one villain The Evil Mimosa. What?!

We saw her with one of my mom’s Home and Garden magazines. She was flipping through the magazine and whatever page she landed on that is how she was coming up with names. She had landed on a page with recipes for craft cocktails and home brewed beer. Suddenly everything made sense, my husband and I thought it was pretty funny.

We all dressed up to get into character. I took the cotton scarf I was wearing off and tied it over my shoulders as a cape and then put on a pink fuzzy hat I found in the dress up box. Moo found a black magicians cape that was perfect for batman, then my husband tied a scarf as a cape as well along with a pink fuzzy winter scarf thrown over his shoulders.

So Batman, Wonder Woman, Beer Man, and Bat Dog (played by Lucy) were hatching a plan to bamboozle The Evil Mimosa and Robin at their secret hideout AKA the dog bed next to the fire place in the living room.

The big plan was that we were going to adopt all the animals at the zoo/pound and out them on Robin and The Evil Mimosa’s doorstep so when they try to leave their hideout they can’t.

Moo and I rounded up all the stuffed animals in the kid’s playroom at my parents house, snuck into the living room on our hands and knees James Bond Style – Lu trotting behind us trying to figure out our game-, and stacked them up in the dog’s bed. Their dog was befuddled.

A few minutes later I saw my husband, Moo, and Lucy dashing across the house, my husband swinging the ends of his pink scarf like nunchucks. They must have been in a battle with Robin or The Evil Mimosa. In that moment I was so freaking in love with him I could have popped.

Playing pretend never stopped being fun; my husband is grounded and realistic AND he totally gets it. I love him so hard.

pretend1

Family Time in the Fort

tent Lu

Well Lu thinks I bought her a dog house/tent. She has been hanging out in the fort since I finished put it together this afternoon. She almost knocked it over a few times tonight too.

When my husband got home he walked into the living room to find Lu and I waiting for him in the new fort. He quickly went and changed and then jumped in for family cuddles.

We watched movies while laying in the fort tonight and once we finished I later found Lu laying in there alone. All in all the new fort is a big hit.

Big Girl Fort

Growing up I was one of those lucky kids that had a tree house in the backyard. My father built it from scratch including everything a little girl could want; yellow exterior, white shudders with window boxes, a Dutch door with door lock, stairs with a hand rail.. At one point I even had curtains. I was the envy of all the girls in the neighborhood, there were only four girls in my neighborhood to envy me, but either way I felt special.

I also grew up next to multiple massive undeveloped pieces of land which meant lots of fields, trees, and secret hide-aways in nature for even more forts!

My brother and the neighbor boys nailed old broken boards to the sides of oak trees to act as ladders so we could all climb to the tippy-top branches with relative ease. We were all skilled tree climbers even without the boards.

The boys also dug an enormous pit at least 5 feet deep in the middle of an open field, it was another fort. They covered the top with old boards and palm branches. The pit had multiple chambers/rooms and one way in and out. They thought it was the best fort ever made, when the adults found out they had a different take. They said it was an illegal death trap that had to be filled in. So ended our time with that fort.

My brother and I were big fans of sheet forts in the house. We would collect dining room chairs and a sheet and make a tent to sleep in with our sesame street and popples sleeping bags. The best was when we were at grandma’s though; grandma would let us build a gigantic sheet fort that spanned across an entire bedroom. We must have collected every bedsheet she owned to construct it.

As an adult I am still very in tune with my little self that loves forts. I still build sheet forts for me, my husband, and Lucy to lay and watch movies in on a bed of pillows and blankets. I have been known to construct pillow forts in bed when I am reading and want to hide out.

There is something about having a little hide-away that has always felt both fun and comforting to me.

So with a little bit of my graduation money I got myself my very own big girl fort. I was ecstatic to arrive home from my beach trip with mom to find my fort waiting for me on the front porch, along with the new book shipment I had been waiting on!

After unloading the car I came and got to work putting it together while Lu supervised. Once assembled I decided it needed a little touch of love via decorations. I went around the house and grabbed items from my craft drawer, my bulletin board, even my hope chest for my future professional dream. Once complete it was ready for me and Lu to snuggle up in.

I love it. It is the perfect big girl fort. It fits Lu and I with ease, I am sure there will be plenty of room for hubs to join us.

We loved the things we loved as children for a reason, who says being a grown up means letting those things go? No one I would listen to, that’s for sure.