Untethered Soul

I have begun my final rescue mission of myself from my trauma.

This last rescue is all about bringing home the mother, her babies – all of them. The babies who chose me, and all of my inner babies who have experienced the pain of my life.

I did not know it at the time but I started this rescue months ago when I cleared my closet. I donated/gifted away more roughly 3/4 of my wardrobe leaving me with just the essentials; and by essentials I mean, just the clothing that brings me joy. In the process of this clearing I took every single thing out of my closet and cleaned it, top to bottom.

Last weekend I returned to the attic and brought down all my boxes. All of the dust covered memories I have been tucking away in the darkest corners, with lids shut tight.

I opened every lid, emptied every box and found all of my abandoned parts in the heap. I separated myself from the mess and performed a cleaning ritual to cleanse my sacred bits and invite them home to belong to a whole again.

I brought down five boxes, my sacredness fits into one. When I took the lids off and find my special parts they were in poor shape. They had spent years crammed into small, dark dirty spaces, surrounded by junk and other people’s stuff.

You see the message here right? This is not just literal. This is what we do. We tuck away our pain and hurts into the furthest corners of our dark spaces and leave them there surrounded by garbage and other people’s crap that was never ours to be holding on to. Then we spend our lives weighted down by all of it.

It took me 35 years to go up into that darkness, face the truths I was afraid of that caused me to create these boxes in the first place, and rescue myself from all of it.

Now I in the process of tossing the trash, returning everything that is not mine to those whom it belongs to –  I am no longer willing to hold anyone but me- , and holding my truths sacred again. That includes my pain and darkness, it is ALL sacred.

Now my sacredness is held all together, in one transparent box. It has a lid, which sometimes I choose to take off in order to let myself breathe. On that lid words are written. Sacred words. Names. Truths. This is what is holding me now. This box is in my closet, in the space I created for it before I even knew that is what I was doing.

I have allowed myself to be guided by my intuition, my inner knowing, the wisdom I came to this life with, and brought me exactly where I am meant – home in my truths, in love, in connection.

This is what whole looks like for me. This is what healing looks like. This is the BIG LOVE. My capacity to LOVE has grown in a way I do not have human words for. I have a relationship with the dark now which means I will never again be consumed by it; my own or anyone else’s. This is freedom.

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A Part

Alone at night, my husband out with a friend visiting from out of town. Alone, little bubby sleeping soundly.

A Lone.

Tired. Have been all day. Soul weary tired. empty. Without.

I will watch a movie, no energy for art or writing. Lay quietly.

Then it happens.

Hi. You’ve come a long way haven’t you little one? It hasn’t been easy has it? One day you’ll tell me all about it. You’ll tell me everything. I’ll always listen. Always.

I pause. I rewind. I listen again. I pause. Someone in me starts to shake. I feel a vibration strengthening.

I open my lap, call her in and say the words out loud.

Hi. You’ve come a long way haven’t you little one? It hasn’t been easy has it? One day you’ll tell me all about it. You’ll tell me everything. I’ll always listen. Always.

I erupt. From nowhere and everywhere my screaming pieces rise out of me and fly. Breathless sobbing. Everything I have been holding in, pushing down. Grief, pain, loss, separation, fear, anguish- flows out of me, a faucet that cannot be shut off.

I think my lap cannot be big enough. I am not enough to hold all of this.

Lies.

This is my crying baby. She is mine. I will hold her and love her. All I have is enough.

I am enough.

I cannot do it anymore. I cannot be apart from myself.

These stories are hard. It has not been easy. I will listen. I will always listen.

I finally found my baby. I will never set her down again.

owee

 

 

Intuitive Empath

My therapist referred to me as clairvoyant this week. Let that sink in. That right there is why I haven’t really been writing this week. I have been sitting with that label and trying it on for size.

I identify as an INFP which are traditionally intuitive empaths, two more labels that I also identify with. I am an introvert, highly sensitive, artistic, introspective. There are a lot of labels that I do identify with that dance around this area that feels a bit other worldly in my opinion. Clairvoyant though?

Here is the truth: I knew she was right when she said it. That does not mean I am ready to step into this truth and own it. I feel isolated enough at times because the way I experience the world and people and relationships is a bit outside of the norm thanks to all those labels I listed above that apply to me. If I start calling myself clairvoyant that just increases the gap between me and the rest of the world, at least that is how it feels.

Here is another truth: I love to hermit. So this isolation that I am complaining about is not actually something that bothers me that much.. AND there are pieces of me that still need outside connection on a level that prevents me from fully stepping into my power, whatever that power is.

Here is what I am doing with all of this right now: I am practicing truth speaking in front of others more regularly. Real truth speaking not just speaking assertively about my preferences and boundaries, this truth speaking is coming from my highly intuitive space which means it might be a language that some do not even fully understand AND that is okay. My therapist is encouraging me to stand in this truth more often and take up space and work on getting comfortable with the fact that not everyone will get it AND that is okay, I do not have to edit myself for the comfort of others.

I am starting here, in my writing space, my safe space, because I am scared and I feel the need to start small.

Here is another reason I am not ready to fully step into this truth quite yet: not all of my visions/premonitions/intuitive knowings are positive. In fact many times I do not know if what I am seeing/knowing is positive or negative, I don’t know until events play out. Sometimes though it is very clear and it is clearly negative. If I stand in this truth that means I have to be willing to accept and acknowledge that I know/see things that will negatively impact myself and others without have control to change the outcome. That is more than I am ready for.

So between not being ready to truly stand in my power out of fear for what it is and fear for the outside disconnection it may cause; I am here. Here in an in-between. An in-between like none I have ever experienced previously. Like all my in-betweens though I am thankful for this time, the time of infinite possibilities where the outcome is not yet know so all possible outcomes can exist together.

 

 

Self-Love Can Survive Any Drought

self-love can survive any drought

Over the weekend I spent a lot of time in quiet meditation creating. From that came the inspiration for a piece I painted this afternoon.

Cactus came up during my creating over the weekend and when I started thinking on what symbolism I see, this is what I came up with.

Cacti are like all other plants in that they need water to survive, that need looks different for them compared to many other species of plant however. Cacti are able to survive barren conditions and drought thanks to their ability to self-sustain by storing water inside. Cactus are not only able to survive these harsh conditions, they grow. They grow in conditions that would cause most plants to wither and die.

I related this back to inside love versus outside love. We have no control over the love we receive from others, much like plants cannot control the weather and when it will rain. In times of emotional drought/disconnection those who depend on that outside love and validation may struggle while those who can self-validate and experience love from within/self-love will not only survive these times of solitude, they will continue to grow and bloom because of the love they are able to show themselves.

In this way self-love is this self-sustaining property that allows us to operate with little fear of outside disconnection for we know all we need to thrive and grow lies within us.

For a long time I was much like Gerbera Daisy, finicky in every way imaginable and very dependent on my environment to provide me with everything I need to feel love and connection/survive and grow.

Now I know I am evolving into my own breed of cactus. I still enjoy being showered with love AND when drought comes my way I am able to self-sustain with my own inner supply of love stored up just for me, my own special gift from within.

My prickly spiny exterior is equivalent to my boundaries and assertive attitude, protecting me against all who would mean to harm me.
My root system underground is my way to connect with others who are willing to go deep rather stay merely on the surface.

At the end of the day what keeps me going is me. I am the love that keeps my heart beating, I am the love that will help me grow. If water is the source for life to grow and love is equivalent to water, I am the source from which my biggest growth takes place.

Animal Guide

tortoise lesson

I am continuing this animal mediation even as we speak. I am recognizing how animal wisdom will be able to help me when I am feeling unbalanced.

A visual animal representation of my root chakra becoming unbalanced would be the gopher tortoise on it’s back. What message is present here to help me find my balance again when I am not feeling grounded.

Give myself the time I need. A gopher tortoise can correct itself on its own but it takes time, and often times determination.

You can always find safety within. When I am feeling a general feeling of disconnection or overwhelmed, all signs that my root chakra is unbalanced, I can take a moment and retreat within myself no matter where I am. While yes, the gopher tortoise has a physical home under ground the tortoise also carries his home with him thanks to this shell on his back. At any moment when he feels overwhelmed or scared or unsure he can retreat within himself until he feels safe again to reemerge. When I am out in the world my inner wisdom is my sanctuary I carry with me, it is always there when I need it.

Remember the earth. The tortoise walks slowly, methodically across the earth with intention in each step, he makes his home beneath its surface, the tortoise has a deep connection to the earth and relies on it to survive. This is no less true for me and I can rely on this connection whenever I am feeling unbalanced.

 

The mocking bird; my throat chakra. What message does this animal hold for me about speaking my truth?

Stand up for yourself/your truth. The mockingbird is territorial and will chase off birds much larger than themselves, even predators like hawks, to protect their nest. When I feel my nest (representing any part of me) is being threatened it is time to stand in my truth and set a boundary much like the mockingbird.

Be open to learning from everything around you. The throat chakra is not just about speaking, it is also about listening. It is the energy space for communication and all good communication encompasses both giving and receiving. The mocking bird is unlike other birds in that it does not sing just one song. Most birds species learn there song early on from a parent, mocking birds listen to the sounds of their environment and interpret what they hear. They are not limited to bird call either, they can mimic other animals and even cell phones. This amazing ability to listen and speak the language of their environment represents universal communication. The ability to listen intuitively and speak the universal language that all speak, love.

Don’t forget your own song. I think it is important to recognize that while it is an amazing feet to be able to listen and communicate in a language that transcends so many barriers this gift is not solely intended for others. The mocking bird was given its name because of this amazing gift it has to interpret others so accurately. That is all well and good, it is of equal importance for me to know what my song is and sing my song for me as well. I do not want to be labeled like the mocking bird and be known just for my ability to communicate with others. I need turn my gift inward and listen/speak my own wisdom as well.

 

 

 

 

Intuition As My Guide

intuition

A few weeks ago I wrote this post about following my intuition when presented with my guiding number, 2. Update to that post:

I heard back from the woman I reached out to make a connection with. We will be meeting for tea sometime between the end of this month and the beginning of next. I was pleased to find that she did not find my email, written from a place of pure intuition, strange but instead seemed to get it and agreed we are meant to meet. She also put me in touch with her business partner who may have an opportunity for me to be involved with this program for preteen girls.

I have started my career making decisions while listening to my intuition, I am excited to see how different my life will be now that I am trusting my own inner voice rather than listening to the opinions of the outside world.