I am a Leader

Here are a few words that have been used to describe me as a child; willful, tenacious, ring-leader, bossy, strong willed, stubborn.

Not all of these words have a natural negative connotation so let me be clear; they were absolutely meant as criticism.

Any attempts to get me to conform were met with fierce opposition.

I bucked every Sunday at being forced to attend church. I refused to get out of bed, I hid from my  mother who chased me with a hair brush, I squirmed and screamed as I was forcibly stuffed into tights and a lacy dress. If my parents were lucky I slept through mass; otherwise I spent my time sitting on the floor between pews poking the feet of the parishioners in front of us, or banging the song book against the wood of the pew.

My parents were relentless week after week, as was I. This was an ongoing battle throughout my entire childhood.

My willfulness did not apply exclusively to my resistance to religion. This energy carried over in other areas garnering me further unwanted attention.

The boys of my youth did not like my loud, decisive way of being. The specific group of boys I am referring to were raised strictly along the gender lines of boys will boys and girls will be ladies.

Well no one has EVER accused me of being a lady.

So once again someone who insisted I be something other than what I am attempted to (literally) beat me into submission. Submit I did not, taking the beating I did.

I come back to reflect on all of this now because motherhood is teaching me many things about myself and one of the things I recently discovered is that I am a leader.

While on so many levels I have always known this, it is also a truth I have run from.

Being a leader is something for BIG people and when I was playing small this label terrified me. As a child I was a leader, I refused to follow, refused to give in, refused to be shoved into a box of someone else’s making. I refused until the pressure became too much. My inside resolve temporarily crushed by the outside force.

Now, coming home to myself and rescuing that bad-ass little girl, I call her Scout, I am able to speak my truth: I am a leader.

I know this is true because;

I bristle at the idea of self-help books, I will not be saved by someone else’s truth. Even if my truth ends up mirroring the truth of others, and I know it will because I am not the only person experiencing my awakening, I still have to come to it on my own.

I do not belong in religion. Religion to me = Rules. My relationship with my creator has no rules. Love and connection are the language of the Universe, as long as I stay in tune with that Sacred Truth I experience spiritual alignment.

I do not belong under my mother’s control. Or anyone’s for that matter. I will not play small to fit in to boxes that would serve to suffocate. I will not willingly put on shackles and restraints to comply with familial expectations/social norms.

I do not belong in a box of anyone’s creation, I do not belong in restraints.

I release all the lies that I believed about myself.

I reclaim my truth: I AM strong-willed. I AM tenacious. I AM a leader. I AM strong willed. I AM stubborn when it counts. I AM the BOSS of me. I AM my own.

These are my truths now and I embrace them in love, not shame.

I am not small.

I am BIG. I am POWERFUL. I am a LEADER.

I am the hero of this story.

I am a leader

 

Alpha

A while back when talking with a friend she said something to me that really caught me off guard and that I did not exactly know how to take at first. She called me an alpha-female.

My initial reaction was like Whoa whoa whoa, I don’t know about that.

She went on to explain that she did not mean it in a bad way. She said that I was confident, assertive, and someone who people look to, someone who people want to be around and listen to.

I know that part is complimentary. The alpha part did not sit well with me though. She said alpha and I started thinking first about what little I know about pack mentality. I do not experience myself as an alpha, more like a beta.

I am a very reluctant leader. I had one bad experience trying to lead a team of women while working under a toxic male boss and that put a bad taste in my mouth about leading. I guess my confidence was shook. Being in college definitely restored my confidence in my ability to lead though. Every class had at least one big group project and more often than not my friend is right, my colleagues looked at me to set the pace and direction. Still, when I think of leading it is almost always in the context of a professional environment and the truth is I have always preferred a balance of cheerleader and lone wolf at work. I like to empower colleagues and offer support AND when it comes to getting things done I like to be solely responsible for my own work.

The next thing I think about when I hear the word alpha is the way Lucy tries to assert herself when playing with other dogs. She has play dates every once in a while with our friend’s dogs and sometimes we even dog sit for a few of these dogs. Lucy is super dog friendly AND she absolutely tries to assert herself as the alpha, sometimes with zero success. I watch her and the other dog jumping on each other, each trying to be the dog who can hold their head over the head of the other: I am in charge!

That is NOT me. The word alpha feels masculine and aggressive, and while yes I possess these parts, they are not dominant parts in any way. I just was not seeing what she was seeing.

I have been sitting with this for quite sometime and finally I reached a point where I was ready to write about it and process it further. I read a few different things that gave me perspective I did not have and I explored what my truth is about the word alpha and how I show up in this energy.

I see myself as an alpha in the following ways:

I am not a follower. I follow my own rules and question the status quo.
I am assertive and speak my truth freely.
I am confident. I know my worth because I define that, I do not allow the outside world to define my worth for me.
I have a strong energy field on my good days.
I am a big idea person. I may not always know how to execute it but I can supply the inspiration.
I know who I am and am grounded in that.

The thing is I thought that being called alpha meant something about power or control or trying to assert my dominance and putting others in the role of submissive.

In wolf packs maybe some of that is true. That is not how I experience any alpha personality characteristics I possess though. For me being alpha means not looking to others for what I already know. I know my truth. I know my worth. I know who I am.

The other part of this that I know to be my truth is that I am alpha AND I am beta AND I am omega AND I am a lone wolf. I possess all of the these qualities at different times. They are all mixed together in here.