Following my throat’s collision with little bubby’s foot, my therapist helped me see that while I have done some work around the emotional wounds caused by my brother’s abuse, it is time now to focus on healing my body.
We start with ground zero, my throat.
I understand now that if I walk around for the rest of my life saying to myself, my throat is off limits, then it will be as if his hands are around my throat forever – it will be the last experience my throat ever has.
I can lean into the truth of this pain, as I have started to do, heal my hurts, and allow LOVE in.
Here is what I am clear about;
- I have spent enough of my life running from Love, now I only want to run towards it.
- No part of my body is off limits to me.
A few weeks after my PTSD episode I was laying in bed with my husband at bedtime. I talked to him about the need to allow myself to be Loved in this place of hurt and we discussed what that might look like. Then I asked him if I could practice this Love with him.
First we set boundaries. Safe Love for me always has boundaries.
- This is serious, no sillies. Our inner children are best friends, I did not want his inner child popping up and getting goofy while we practice something sacred.
- We discuss how you will touch me and that is the only touch that will take place.
I asked him what him Loving my throat would look like; he said, a kiss.
He asked me to lay on my back and then he leaned over me and gently kissed the middle of my throat.
Even a light embrace such as this felt like consider pressure to this part of my body, AND, it was beautiful.
He rolled over to his side of the bed and laid on his back, I rolled into him and buried myself in his neck.
From my hiding place in his neck I felt safe, enveloped, no light peeking in.
I thought – here I am again, crying in the dark.
This time was different though, this time I was not alone.