Filling Empty Up

The word  empty has been coming up over and over again in the last few weeks as I move through this part of my soul’s work. I feel like it is time to look at what emptiness is telling me.

I emptied my closet and my drawers – completely empty. This left a HEAPING pile of clothes, we’ll comeback to the heap.

I remember feeling empty.

An indescribable emptiness. The floor opened up and ate me up whole. This is where my largest void was created – in this room with my feet in stirrups where I was made empty.

To keep me small.
To create and maintain disconnection.
To keep me enveloped in shame, in fear.
To keep me empty.
To keep me separated from love. Love of myself and love of my babies.

I am not empty. I am not shameful or wrong or bad. I am not a slut. I AM NOT A KILLER.

And then again this week as I sobbed in my husband’s lap and in bed in his arms I whimpered, I just feel so empty.

 

Looking at my list of empties the question I am asking myself is what does full feel like? If this is empty, what is full?

Full is feeling connected – all of me in sync at once, my words, my actions, my mind, body, soul.
Full is joy, laughter, silliness, and creativity.
Full is peace – quiet, calm, rest, comfort.
Full is gratitude.
Full is purpose.
Full is honoring – honoring myself, those I love, nature, sacredness, the world around me.
Full is self-care in all of it’s forms.
Full is making a contribution – being part of someone else’s joy through celebrating their accomplishments, or volunteering, or donating..
Full is love.

I want to feel full. This is what I am moving towards. I think this is what it is all about.

I want to feel connected, and joyFUL, and peaceFUL, and grateFUL, and purposFUL. I want to honor, and contribute, and love.

This is who I want to be. No longer empty. I want to be FULL.

 

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My Channel is Opening

One aspect of my vision board this year has to do with my intuition and how I commune with the Universe.

My spirituality is grounded in love and is practiced through my relationship with nature and my connection to the Divine/Universe which I understand is both inside me and around me at all times. There is no name for my beliefs, I simply call it all my Sacred Truth.

I see symbolism and signs all around me. Since making the declaration that I want to be big, feel my pain, and heal in love, the Universe has been showing up for me in major ways letting me know I am supported and on my path.

Last night this came in the form of lightning bugs.

When I was a child I always dreamed of seeing and playing among these magical insects because to me that is just what they were, magic. I never did see one growing up though. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties and visiting my husband’s home town over the summer that I finally saw my first lightning bug.

We were sitting on the back porch of his parents home at sunset. I was watching the sun go down over the corn field next to the house when suddenly – blink. Then again – Blink. Blink. Blink.

Bubby look at that!!

My inner child came flying out, overcome with joy and wonder. They were as magical as I always imagined they would be. We sat for sometime watching the blinks of light in the darkness.

Last night I let Lu our dog out before bed. As I waited for her at the backdoor I stepped out into the cool night air, looking for the moon. I found her in the western sky, half full, sending me the message; you are halfway there, but there is more work to do. As I communed with the moon I caught a small blink out of the corner of my eye. I looked in the direction of the blink, and a moment later there it was again.

I was stunned – it can’t be.

Blink.. Blink. Blink.

It is!

Two little lightning bugs shining their light in the darkness and still of the night.

I have lived in Florida my entire life and this is the very first time I have ever seen lightning bugs here. This was certainly a sign; Keep shining, you are in the dark now, just keep shining and your light will grow.

I have been so supported. The Universe is sending me all kinds of sacred signs and symbols to let me know I am not alone in this. I do belong somewhere and my place in the order of things is sacred.

I am grateful for the support. I feel my channel to the Universe opening. I feel my truth of who I am and my purpose rising. In the darkness of disconnection I have been experiencing, I also feel the light of connection to bigger things – that is where I belong, among those big things because I AM BIG.

communing with the universe

 

 

From Little to Big Steps

Something came up while at dinner our first night of vacation. I was telling my in-laws about my new job and why I chose this particular position and why I think it also chose me.

In short, growth. I don’t have to tell them all about how I have spent the year working on my relationship with my own sense of victim mentality and how this position is the exact thing I have been called to do at this very moment in my life because of the unique opportunity it presents me to explode from the grip of victimhood into a greatness that terrifies me! No, they don’t need to know all the details. The truth is still the truth even without the back story. And my truth is I am someone with a growth mindset who is always looking for my next big lesson and I know this is it.

I was answering all of the questions to the best of my ability, knowing full well that I accepted this position without having all of the answers. I am leaving some of this to faith, the faith I have that this is where I am meant to be right now based on how it feels. Not everyone is comfortable with this kind of fuzzy emotional logic so I explain what I can and allow them to sit with their own discomfort in the spaces where I do not have answers.

My father-in-law brought up a good point while at dinner that my husband echoed soon after. What about creating an LLC? A friend recently brought this up to me as well and I brushed it off without much thought, it seemed like more than I needed to be worrying myself with at this point. More accurately, it scared me. That feels too big and I am still little and parts of me are wanting to stay little.

It is one thing to get a work cell phone and some business cards. It is one thing to handle my own taxes and track my mileage and expenses. It is one thing to allow myself to step into a clinical position and handle a real therapeutic caseload. It is a whole other thing to come up with a real business name and create an LLC.

Somehow all the rest of it still feels like I am just playing the part of therapist while taking that step feels real. It feels grown up. It feels BIG.

I understand why it makes sense. For the same reason I will have liability insurance, but still.. It feels scary and real and bigger than I am willing to allow myself to be in this moment.

Up to this point I have just been considering something, trying something out, seeing how it fits, seeing if I can actually handle being on my own and learning what I can from the experience. Taking that step feels like I am no longer trying, or considering, or testing.. I am DOING.

I would be taking very real deliberate action towards my ultimate end goal. A step that could make this more real and potentially make things happen faster for me just by putting the mere intention of truly wanting this to work out into the universe in that way.

This week I am meeting with my mentor as well as my girlfriend who is going through the same process right now. I will speak with both of them and take their counsel on the matter.

I feel like Sebastian from Neverending Story when he was laying there under his blanket not wanting to believe that this story was about him. All that needed to happen to make it all real was for him to say the name and as scared as he was and as much as he wanted to be in denial, he had already chosen the name.

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I am scared and there are very big parts of me that want to stay small and in denial that my story could be everything I want it to be. Just like Sebastian though, I already know the name of this would-be business I am afraid to commit to. I have known it for sometime. I have known it because deep down I know this is my story and I know this is where my path leads. I know my purpose, I just have to commit and create by being willing to say the name out loud.

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