Something came up while at dinner our first night of vacation. I was telling my in-laws about my new job and why I chose this particular position and why I think it also chose me.
In short, growth. I don’t have to tell them all about how I have spent the year working on my relationship with my own sense of victim mentality and how this position is the exact thing I have been called to do at this very moment in my life because of the unique opportunity it presents me to explode from the grip of victimhood into a greatness that terrifies me! No, they don’t need to know all the details. The truth is still the truth even without the back story. And my truth is I am someone with a growth mindset who is always looking for my next big lesson and I know this is it.
I was answering all of the questions to the best of my ability, knowing full well that I accepted this position without having all of the answers. I am leaving some of this to faith, the faith I have that this is where I am meant to be right now based on how it feels. Not everyone is comfortable with this kind of fuzzy emotional logic so I explain what I can and allow them to sit with their own discomfort in the spaces where I do not have answers.
My father-in-law brought up a good point while at dinner that my husband echoed soon after. What about creating an LLC? A friend recently brought this up to me as well and I brushed it off without much thought, it seemed like more than I needed to be worrying myself with at this point. More accurately, it scared me. That feels too big and I am still little and parts of me are wanting to stay little.
It is one thing to get a work cell phone and some business cards. It is one thing to handle my own taxes and track my mileage and expenses. It is one thing to allow myself to step into a clinical position and handle a real therapeutic caseload. It is a whole other thing to come up with a real business name and create an LLC.
Somehow all the rest of it still feels like I am just playing the part of therapist while taking that step feels real. It feels grown up. It feels BIG.
I understand why it makes sense. For the same reason I will have liability insurance, but still.. It feels scary and real and bigger than I am willing to allow myself to be in this moment.
Up to this point I have just been considering something, trying something out, seeing how it fits, seeing if I can actually handle being on my own and learning what I can from the experience. Taking that step feels like I am no longer trying, or considering, or testing.. I am DOING.
I would be taking very real deliberate action towards my ultimate end goal. A step that could make this more real and potentially make things happen faster for me just by putting the mere intention of truly wanting this to work out into the universe in that way.
This week I am meeting with my mentor as well as my girlfriend who is going through the same process right now. I will speak with both of them and take their counsel on the matter.
I feel like Sebastian from Neverending Story when he was laying there under his blanket not wanting to believe that this story was about him. All that needed to happen to make it all real was for him to say the name and as scared as he was and as much as he wanted to be in denial, he had already chosen the name.
I am scared and there are very big parts of me that want to stay small and in denial that my story could be everything I want it to be. Just like Sebastian though, I already know the name of this would-be business I am afraid to commit to. I have known it for sometime. I have known it because deep down I know this is my story and I know this is where my path leads. I know my purpose, I just have to commit and create by being willing to say the name out loud.