My lightening bolt hit almost immediately after finishing my last post.
Killer still hurts because I am trying to belong somewhere I no longer belong.
My family of origin is Catholic Republican. I grew up surrounded by the following messages:
No sex before marriage.
Your female body is inherently shameful.
As a woman you have no power.
Any woman who has sex out of wedlock is a slut.
Your female body is inherently wrong.
As a woman you belong to your father or husband, never, not ever to yourself.
Your female body is inherently bad.
The only thing worse than sex out of wedlock is pregnancy out of wedlock.
The only only thing worse than pregnancy out of wedlock is abortion.
Women who have abortions are KILLERS.
HOLY SHIT. Literally. This is religious, men-making-rules-that-disempower-women, bullshit.
I am NOT Catholic. I am NOT Republican. NONE OF THIS IS MY FUCKING TRUTH.
I would never believe any of this ridiculous bullshit about another woman, so why have I been carrying around these lies about myself?
I do not belong here, in your untruths, in your religion, in your politics. I do not belong anywhere that sees me as less worthy. I AM WORTHY. I AM MY OWN. I AM POWERFUL.
I release my need to belong in this place I do NOT belong. I am picking up ALL of myself and walking through that – now open – door to LOVE. I am no longer on the outside looking in.
I am not empty. I am not shameful or wrong or bad. I am not a slut. I AM NOT A KILLER.
I am a mother. I am a woman full to the brim with my sacred power. I am the owner of all of me, no one owns me. I am BIG. I AM BIG. I am the fucking hero of this story – I will always do the saving.
Come on sweet girl, you do not belong here anymore, we are going home.