Little bubby woke up crying before midnight. This is unusual for him. I went in, changed his diaper by the glow of the salt lamp in his room, and cuddled with him and his velvety bunny in his chair before putting him back to bed asleep.
I don’t think I will ever get tired of sleepy cuddles, even when I am sleepy too.
More than two hours later I am still awake. This is unusual for me. Sleep is valuable in our home, we savor it.
I had a breakthrough in my work today and I am unraveling from untruths. This is what keeps me up tonight.
What I realized today is that
- There are still ways in which I am playing small.
- There is at least one small part of me that needs to be welcomed home for the first statement to no longer be true.
The part(s) of me that play small does not magically disappear when I get to the point where I am fully connected to myself and am in my BIG place. In order to be fully connected to myself this part(s) of me has to be there, without her I am missing a piece of myself and remain in disconnection.
This is tricky.
This part(s) is small. She does not understand what being BIG is. Moreover, because she is small and being small is her whole job, being BIG feels scary.
Being BIG, truth speaking, loving myself without shame, holding myself sacred and worthy, allowing everyone else to hold themselves.. That was not allowed in the place she came from. Doing these things meant intense rejection, it meant not belonging, it was wrong and bad and forbidden.
BIG feels scary.
She is the part that shows up and whispers warnings in my ear about the danger of my mission to be BIG.
Pssstt.. Be careful.. You will only get hurt.
I hear you little one. I see you. I know you are scared.
Please know that my lap is open to you when you are ready to be held.
Until then please hear me, we are going to be okay. I love you. I am your belonging. I will not abandon you. You will always belong here.
You will always belong here.
I am home. I am safety. I am belonging. I am love. We no longer have to look outside for these things – they are here.
Please know that the door is open, my lap is open, I welcome you home when you are ready to be held in love.