I Will Not Look Away

I have been tangling with judgment lately. I have been trying to untangle. These roots run deep.

I am self-righteous. I judge. I still project my pain.

Projecting is so easy and it feels so good.

I don’t want to feel my insecurities around mothering so I will look at what you are doing and find flaws. 
I don’t want to address my own unhealthy habits so I will fixate on yours and feel superior.
I don’t want to admit my fears so I will criticize yours.

I like it when it is all about you and never about me. I like getting to be the right one while you are over there being wrong. I like being superior. I like being big.

I am not big here. This is not my BIG place. When I create any kind of disconnection from love I am certainly not BIG. This is me being small.

I am not meant to stay small.

We all struggle. Instead of seeing someone else’s hard time for what it is, pain and struggle, I am wanting to use it for my gratification.

If I am willing to see the truth about the pain and struggle of others it means I have to be willing to hold my own truths about my pain and struggle as well.

This is being BIG.

Being BIG means not looking away from pain. It means loving someone in their struggle and pain. It means loving myself in my pain and struggle.

Projection feels so good, it is so easy. Deep love takes work, it is hard.

I can do hard things. I am not small. I am BIG.

I choose love and all the hard AND goodness that comes with it. I am ready to set down my judgement and self-righteousness to pick up LOVE. I will not look away from pain.

I choose love every time.

i choose love and joy and peace



Living Outside the Shadows

My family lives in a neighborhood right outside the city. We love it here for many reasons, one of them being that there is no home owners association. Everyone is allowed to live in their homes and on their property as they feel, no oppressive rules.

Because we are close to downtown and because there is no home owners association our community is a pretty popular place to live. What is happening now as a result is that some of the cute 1920’s bungalows are being bought up, knocked down, and replaced with massive homes. It makes for a diverse neighborhood; there will be a modest craftsman next to a small bungalow next to a mansion next to a two story colonial.

Recently as little bubby and I were walking home from a different park in the community I was looking at the homes on the street we were walking down. It was close to 5:30 in the evening and the shadows were starting to stretch as the sun fell. I walked by a cute bungalow and noticed that it was completely enveloped in the shadow of the massive home next to it. My immediate thought was, I wouldn’t want to live in the shadow of anyone else’s mansion.

This thought took me back to a separate issue I have been stewing on; comparison.

Earlier in our walk I noticed two mothers with their children at the park and they were both doing something that brings a rise in judgment for me. In my head I was criticizing these mommas. I caught myself right away and then turned the criticism on myself for being that mom who judges other moms.

Here is my truth; anytime I am judging outward it is because I am judging inward. These mothers were just a mirror for me. What they were showing me is my insecurity around an aspect of our parenting that my husband and I feel very committed to. I have been working on being less rigid on this part of how we parent and the struggle I am having manifested outward when I judged them.

I bet these moms are terrific. I bet they have aspects of parenting that they feel very committed to as well. I bet they also judge themselves, I do not need to add mine to whatever load they are already carrying.

The choices my husband and I make regarding how we parent little bubby belong to us. Everyone’s choices are allowed to look different, different is okay. Different should be celebrated, not diminished by comparison.

I guess what the house in the shadow made me realize is, not only do I not want to live in the small house in the shadow, I do not want to live in the big house casting the shadow either. That is essentially what I was trying to do, I was trying to feel big (better about myself) by making someone else appear small and judging their choices. All that did was expose my shadow (darkness).

I have to be as okay living in the small green house with the purple door as I would be living in the large white mansion with the pillar columns or I am not really living in either, I am just existing in shadow projecting my judgment outward.

Approaches to parenting are as diverse as the houses in my community. I realized that if I am caught up in comparison regarding any aspect of my life, I am effectively robbing myself of the joy and connection to that aspect of my life.

I choose joy. I choose connection.

I will continue to work on my self-judgment and be grateful for the messages from the Universe that help me.
I will hold my truths sacred and respect the truths of others.
I will acknowledge scarcity in my role as momma when it comes knocking and I will not answer the door.

I am enough. Our choices are ours. I will not live in shadow and I will not cast it out on others.