Losing You Was My Becoming

Last night I struggled.

I was triggered during the day by something my mother said in passing and by bedtime I was unwound. I was face down in my husband’s lap balling. It did not stop there. I cried when we went to bed. I woke up an hour after going to bed and cried some more. My husband held me and talked me through it as best he could.

This morning he let me sleep. He got up with little bubby and handled the morning routine. Two hours later I came out to a quiet house. Little bubby was taking his first nap, my husband was sitting on the couch watching the news on low volume. I was greeted by his smile and by the wagging tail of my excited Lucy.

I pat Lucy’s head and crawled into my husband’s lap.

I have been holding in all the pain and grief. I have been trying so hard to remain functional. The lid is off.

I asked to feel my pain and The Universe obliged. I am in pain.

I have decided to attempt to talk honestly with my parents one last time about our dysfunction and working towards healing as a family. If this message falls on deaf ears, as my previous attempts have, that is it for me. I will not subject any of my babies (internal or little bubby) to this swamp.

I am raw and reeling and trying desperately to keep my head above water. AND there is a deep sense of peace rising from my power center because this is the decision that has been waiting to be made and finally I am here.

I never wanted to be here AND somehow I have known I was coming.

Right now I do not feel big. I do not feel much like a hero. I am though and even if I don’t feel it, I know it is true.

Because here I am, going through it, not running. I am doing hard things. It is so hard.

I am scooping everyone into my lap and I am walking out of this place we do not belong…

And I am not afraid.

losing you was my becoming

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I Will Figure It Out

I have not even officially started my new position yet but already I have started experiencing personal growth. It has come in the form of organization, resourcefulness, and over all confidence.

I am perceiving type on the MBTI spectrum and one of the ways this shows up for me is that I am messy at home. Now this side of me has been reigned in big time over the last 6 years because I live with an ISTJ who gets stressed out by mess. We have both had to move towards the middle. At any given time there is still a few dishes in the sink waiting to be washed or a pile of clean clothes waiting to be put away etc.

Where I step out of this aspect of my perceiving type is when I am at work. In order to work effectively with a clear mind and stay focused I have to have a clear, organized work space.

Well now I am working from home. So these two different aspects of my personality have been forced to share space in a way they have never had to before so there definitely has been some growth happening here. I think the end result is that I will now be less messy and more organized at home out of necessity to be able to do my work. My husband will love this and I will find a way to allow my messy self to express herself in other ways. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I will figure it out.

I think that has been my mantra for this job so far; I will figure it out.

It is both a way to ease my mind when I feel stuck and a war cry. I can say it gently to get myself through a stressful moment and I can beat my chest and scream it out when I feel frustrated and need empowerment.

I will figure it out.

The best part is I know it is true and that is where I have already experienced so much growth in terms of resourcefulness and confidence.

One example is, I have had to follow a lot of written instructions to be able to check trainings and other things off my list as I get ready to start. This has been challenging for a few reasons:

  1. This is not my preferred learning style. I am visual and tactile which for me translates to show me how and then let me do it.
  2. On more than one occasion the instructions have been out of date.

My I will figure it out mantra has saved my sanity through all of this.

Today I have a phone conference scheduled where I will be taught how to navigate the EMR system so this morning  I downloaded the EMR system to my laptop. The instructions I had to follow are out of date so the steps are no longer relevant. This resulted in me figuring it out on my own, which I did, kinda. I totally recruited my husband briefly just to double check that I wasn’t crazy and the instructions were in fact out of date.

What I have realized in all of this is that although I will have the support of mentors in my agency, and agency supervisors, and even my husband from time to time as appropriate, at the end of the day it is up to me to figure this stuff out. AND I will.

I will figure out the EMR. I will figure out a way to be organized at home while still honoring my messy pieces who want to relax and not work so hard to be organized. I will figure out each new challenge I am presented with because I know I am capable of doing so.

So now while I wait for my conference call later today I will go do that load of dishes and put away that pile of clean clothes. I will set myself up for success, and be willing to fail, and know that through all of it I will figure it out.

infp go getter