Calling In

My husband and I are still in our clearing out process, we have not quite reached the other side. The functionality of our home is much improved and the extra space that has already been created is so welcome.

I think we can agree that we are feeling so much connected to ourselves, each other, and this life we are creating.

Now that we are making room for what comes next, what comes next is starting to come.

One of the biggest acts of clearing I have performed has been with relationships; specifically with my brother. I am going to be honest with you friends, I do not remember how much of this story I have shared so please excuse any redundancies.

Over a month ago, not long after returning home from Soul Camp, I unpaused my relationship with my brother and officially stepped out.

I hit pause on the relationship back in January with the mutual understanding that when we speak again it would be to discuss what our relationship will look like moving forward on the other side of my healing.

Once I got to the other side that question was easily answered. There is no relationship to go back to because I am not going back. I am going forward, without him, as our souls agreed to. I am keeping a promise our souls made in another time. A time his soul no longer remembers.

We spoke about this and from his human place he appeared confused, frustrated, and in denial.

One fact is clear; even if your soul does not remember these promises made, and even if you do not understand my soul speak, you DO know that you abused me. From a very human place I have no room at all for you acting as if you do not understand why my healing was needed or judging the ways in which I am doing it.

What I made clear is that I am not cancelling our relationship, I am just not going backwards to be with him. I am over here, in this new place that exists on the other side of healing. There is space for him here too, I see his place being held for him. This is where our relationship is, if and when he ever finds his way here, I am waiting for him with Love and open arms.

 

Now that I have finally set down my brother and all the pain that was never mine to hold there is SO much space in my life for new beginnings. Me creating this space energetically Calls In whom I am meant to be with in this next phase. The Universe responded without hesitation.

A very clear message came through about someone whom I do not actually know but rather know of, and how I am meant to have connection with her. So I listened and then I do that thing I do where I set down all my human fears and insecurities and allow myself to be guided by my intuition. I reached out to this woman via email, practiced soul speaking, and made her aware of this message that came through about this connection I believe we are meant to have.

If this our time I believe her soul will know and she will respond accordingly. Either way I have lost nothing and already experienced gain in the very act of once again trusting my inner knowing and allowing myself to be guided her.

I am grateful for the opportunity to practice allowing myself to be seen in this way. With each opportunity to take these kinds of risks the vulnerability of doing so lessens.

I am grateful for the clearing and the calling in.

I am grateful to be here, in my life, ALL IN, showing up.

 

Sending Out My Whisper

I am understanding as I do my work towards growth and healing that there is purpose in all of it. Purpose in the pain, purpose in the healing – it is mine, my purpose.

None of this is accidental. None of it is arbitrary. All of it is connected, all of it is mine, and from it I step into in my most sacred truth and work; my purpose. The whole reason I am here, what all of this has been preparing me for.

I am know who and what I am now. I know the purpose of all of it. I know my purpose.

I am still working with my small parts, they are afraid of the BIGNESS I know I am.

I am BIG and my purpose is too.

So for now, I will let this post be my first whisper out into the Universe.

I know what this life holds for me now and please hear me loud and clear when I say: I am ready and I want it.

I know who and what I am, I know where I am going, I am open to receiving everything I am meant to receive in order to get me there. I understand this is not a place I am going as much as a life I am creating; I am ready for this life, I want this life.

I promise to honor all of my sacred gifts. I promise to honor who and what I am and share it as I am meant to. I promise to honor my purpose. I will not waste this one wonderful existence where I was called here to do and be this.

I am calling it all in. I am ready to be BIG.

Shallow Water

My night terrors returned two weeks ago, as did my fear of the dark.

The night terrors are awful but I would not have given it much thought, I have had them most of my life. Yes, I thought things were getting better but an occasional night terror would not necessarily raise a red flag for me. The fear of the dark though.. I knew something was not right, I have moved through that work, I reconnected with the piece of myself that dwells in the dark, this shouldn’t be happening.

One of the intentions I set for myself this year was releasing my fear of my story and embracing/owning my story in love.

The Universe heard me.

I have declared that I am done hiding, done shrinking, done running from myself, and now things are starting to come back to me.

I do not have all of my memories, especially as it relates to my trauma. Parts of me are starting to wake up now because energetically I am calling this work in.

The night terror I had was a flashback and it was terrifying. It changes things. It is the start of the shift because now that this memory/piece has come back to me I cannot go on acting like I don’t know. I cannot go back to the smaller version of myself, I have to act.

I am understanding my fear of the dark is resurfacing because my story is resurfacing and parts of me are still afraid of the truth – with good reason. I know which part of me lives in the dark though, she is the best one. I will not turn my back on her now. I will step into the darkness with her, hold the parts of me that are scared, and do my ultimate rescue mission.

A week after the initial night terror I had another. This one was not a flashback, it was a very clear message from the parts of me that are big, that are resilient, that are strong.

In the dream I was laying on my back in shallow water, I was drowning. The water kept splashing over my mouth and nose just enough to make it impossible for me to catch my breath – it was sure to be a slow agonizing end. I was terrified and trying to call for help but there was no one to save me, this is my story – I was never saved. Then some piece of me whispered in my ear, Sit up. I did and I was saved. I had the power all along to save myself.

I will carry this message as I follow these intentions through this year.

I release my fear of my story because it is time for me to go back and rescue every part of me that was ever left behind.
I am done playing small because I am big and it is time for me to sit up and save myself.
I am no longer interested in trying to belong somewhere I do not belong because to do so feels like drowning a slow painful death in shallow water.

I am not small. I can do hard things. I am the hero of my story.

hero

Getting Creative: The Beginning

My water broke on a Sunday. I was standing out in backyard under the old Nana oak tree communing with the full moon when the contractions that I had been experiencing for two days grew in intensity. A few hours later it was time to go. While my husband packed the car I slipped into my closet, where my alter is set up, and took a quiet moment to ground, call upon the Universe for support, and pull a few cards for my labor and delivery.

labor and delivery support

Typically when I pull cards for support I pull three from my Self-Care deck and one from my Mother’s Wisdom deck who’s energy rules over the other three.

I was not surprised by the cards that came forward to support me, with the exception of Creativity. I did not see where she fit. Peace I understood as a way for me to keep my calm in the storm, to surrender to the confusion, let go of the need to control and have peace. Truth I understood as staying connected to my own sacred truth through the process, speaking up when needed, and staying connected with my body as she experiences this awesome release. Ocean which represents the Source I understood because for me Motherhood has always been represented by water. Even the image on that card appears to represent a woman flowing with her body which is what this experience is all about. Creativity felt out of place but I accepted the support and the sign from the Universe none the less. As soon as little soul crossed over and joined us I began to understand this message.

Now almost 5 months in I laugh about how right on this card is. Motherhood is completely about tapping into your deepest source of creativity! From hour one it seems we have been having to think on our feet, get outside the box, and embrace every possible (and impossible) option when it comes to parenting, self-care, honoring and nurturing our marriage, etc. Tapping into creativity is a daily practice for us now, we would not be doing as well as we are without our ability to get supremely creative.

Lately it has been taking the form of creative ways to play and interact with little bubby. Today we played in momma’s scarves, feeling the texture of each one, seeing how they all move differently when swooshed through the air, looking at all the different colors and patterns. We played with plastic blocks in water, splashing and grabbing. We unrolled a roll of toilet paper to see how that works. Yesterday we went out front and I sat in the grass with bubby in my lap letting him reach down and experience the grass for the first time. With each new experience he starts slow, taking it all in piece by piece.

I am having so many personal take aways from this part of being creative.

It is allowing me to tap back into my inner little who is wise in the ways of play and joy, she is leading the charge.

It is allowing me to let go of the need to control things. I have a part that manages things to keep our home peaceful, stable, and functional – this is not her party. In this space I am only responsible for the introduction to the new thing, he dictates how he wants to experience it. For example, when I introduced water in a tupperware with his blocks I expected him to go straight for the water because he LOVES water. Instead he spent the first 5 minutes exploring the outside of the actual tupperware before ever getting a finger wet. All of this is new and fascinating for him, who I am to say the water is more interesting or should take precedent over the vessel holding it?

It is allowing me to see life through new eyes. Imagine if every single day you woke up you experienced 20 things for the very first time. He touched an orchid today, he has never seen an orchid before today, let alone touch it. Amazing. He played with a ribbon, before today he had never felt satin, never experienced what a frayed thread from a uneven cut feels like. Amazing. 

Each day I am watching this little being grow on so many levels. It is amazing. I am not only baring witness to his transformation, I am an active participant by mindfully providing opportunities for him.

I feel my own perspective expanding, my practice of daily gratitude is reaching new heights.

There is more to be written on this message I received around creativity, it is a powerful one that is certain.

Today I am grateful for the ways I was able to show up with bubby in my creative energy and connect with him.
I am grateful to be home at Adding to Nine writing again.
I am grateful for the connection I experienced with my soul family around the topic of creativity.
I am grateful for a life partner who embodies the spirit of creativity along with me.
I am most grateful for this life that I am actively and intentionally building with these two hands, and my heart, and my soul, along side my deepest truest love, and the sweetest little soul who chose us and whom we chose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rachel and Bilhah

I finished The Handmaid’s Tale – sensational. As soon as I read the last sentence I put it down and picked up Red Tent, then I had a major Oh Shit moment. The foundation of these two stories are built on the same biblical reference. At least I am pretty sure it is a biblical reference, being a Godless woman I have never actually read the bible. I am to understand that this story, the story of Rachel and her handmaid/sister(?), is from the bible though.

The handmaid’s tale told the story from the point of view of the handmaid, the woman used for her ability to give birth, a woman who was reduced to little more than a walking womb.

I am not yet sure how Rachel and Bilhah’s story will be told in Red Tent yet. It appears to be from the perspective of Leah’s daughter, Dinah.

So what does this mean? This is the second time these women are being presenting to me. Two is my symbol fro action, it is the sign the Universe sends me when it is time for me to act. I am not sure what I am meant to do with the stories of these women though. What is my connection here?

I believe there is a strong possibility that this is all connected to motherhood and my work on that topic because I was originally called to read Handmaid’s Tale after attending the lecture around the dark side  of motherhood. I think it could also relate to the group work I am meant to facilitate with women.

It is not clear yet though. Maybe as I continue to read Red Tent and see how Rachel, and Bilhah, and Leah, and Dinah’s stories unfold I will know.

I have been leading with intuition lately and it has opened me up to so much receiving. I often do not know why I am receiving the signs/messages I am when they come through but I am beginning to understand that the why is not important, what is important is just to be open to receive.