Creating Safety for Small Parts

I recognize that as I perform this rescue mission for my small part(s) that are afraid of being BIG there is some work here for me to do as I wait for them to warm up to the idea of being held.

They will come home when they are ready, I do not have to force this. What I do have to do is honor the commitment I am making to them – I will not abandon you – by showing up BIG in my relationships. This is what will create the feeling of safety for these parts so I can reconnect with them and step closer to ultimate goal of connection, wholeness, and love.

When I play small in my relationships I am abandoning this small part(s). I am energetically telling this part(s) of myself that she is not worthy of my love, that the other person is more worthy.

If at any point I am having to abandon a part of myself to experience love with another person I am not actually experiencing love.

Love comes from a connected whole place, never a place of disconnection. I do not throw the word never around lightly. This is my truth.

There are specific places right now in relationships where I can practice being BIG and I committed to this work.

My Mother-in-law is in town and I have been playing small. I will do my repair work with myself and stand in my truth in this relationship.

I also need to do some repair work with my husband. He and I have experienced disconnection as a result of both of us playing small around his mom. It does not feel good when he and I are not on the same team. I look forward to truth speaking with him to move towards realignment in our relationship.

There is a place where I have felt I need to do some repair work with soul family by owning a misstep I made with them. I look forward to practicing connection with them in this way.

Finally I recognize there are bigger ways for me to practice being BIG as well. These opportunities are on the horizon. It will not be easy and I am scared.

I know I can do hard things because I am not small AND I honor and hold the part(s) of me that are small in love as I stand in this truth.

This is how I create safety. This is my path forward towards love, connection, and wholeness.

With my hand at my heart I will walk my path forward in gratitude, courage, and love.

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Going Small to Get BIG Joy

Here is something I am learning that is a real mind bender, sometimes you have to do the opposite of the thing you think you want to get the thing you want.

Confused yet? Yeah, I was too.

Here is the breakdown of this epiphany:

It started with the me realizing little bubby needed me to intentionally disconnect in order for him to experience deeper connection. It blew my mind that connection required a level of disconnection, but it did. Now I see him and feel him building his own connection to the world around him AND our connection is deepening as well. Amazing right?!

My next experience with opposites belonging together came when I unraveled my truth about my relationship with clothing/fashion.

Oh man, this is a big one. I used clothing/fashion to hold/hide my shame for sooooo long! It was one of my favorite masks.

I finally decided once and for all I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be BIG, and that meant addressing this shameful part of me directly and bringing her back into the light.

More on my relationship with fashion/clothing and how I was using it to play small in another post, I am going to jump ahead to the conclusion for the purpose of this post.

What I found at the end of this particular deep dive is that I want to feel joy, and peace, and connection when I get dressed. I want the outside to reflect the inside.

Here is what I decided to do about it:

First, I emptied my closet and my drawers – completely empty. This left a HEAPING pile of clothes, we’ll comeback to the heap.

Next, I cleaned. This felt like my way of bringing the light in and showing love to dark places. I cleaned the inside of my drawers, I cleaned my closet (deep clean- I washed the walls and shelves, vacuumed, and shampooed the carpet), and I cleaned every single piece of clothing. This deep clean took days!

After the cleaning came the rearranging. I went through every single piece of clean clothing and sorted what will be coming home to my closet and drawers, what will be gifted to one of my dearest friends who I knew would find joy in it, and what will be donated to women in need of joy.

I was intentional in this process, it also took days. I had a definite YES!! pile, a I need to think about it pile, and then my pile of gift and donate.  By the end of the process my wardrobe was 1/4 of what it was. Every single piece of clothing remaining brings me joy, comfort, peace, and makes me feel connected to who I am. This is true for my underwear and date night dress alike.

Now when I go in my closet I feel peaceful. I did not realize how cluttered my mind felt by the excess until it was finally eliminated. You want to know something else, as much as I thought I loved all the clothes and accessories and shoes, I know now that was not true because I am not mourning my losses. In fact, they do not feel like losses at all. There is no sense of scarcity here, what I have is not only enough, it makes me feel full.

In the past when I would pare down it would often trigger feelings of scarcity and then I would want to shop to replace the loss. Not this time because I did this work from a connected place. No part of me feels abandoned. All of me got to participate in the decisions made and all of me feels the peace and freedom that comes with having exactly what we need.

I am not going to lie, it was HARD to be in the middle of this deep clean. I wanted to cut corners and skip to the end where I could put everything away and go back to ignoring the hoard.

I am glad I gave this work the space and time it deserved. Creating a small wardrobe has created so much space for BIG joy.

Now I am in love with every article of clothing I own. I am excited about getting dressed each day because what I am wearing on the outside always reflects the love I feel on the inside.

Now I have space in my closet for other things that bring me joy like my art.

This was a major unraveling. It is amazing to me how “AND” really can hold space for everything.

Disconnection AND connection can exist at the same. I had a lot and that made me feel small, now I have a little and it makes me feel BIG.

These are truths I never would have believed before, yet here I am. Here I am playing with what is possible, allowing myself to feel connected AND joyful AND peaceful AND loved AND BIG.

REdefining “Successful” Communication

As I sit here in front of the next hard thing I have decided I am going to do I am sitting  in the energy and knowledge that being BIG is so hard.

That is absolutely my small self speaking. She is not used to the amount of work that goes into standing in my truth and being seen full-time. It was something I played with before, and it was hard then too, but being fully committed to owning my value and worthiness is absolutely a full-time job. Right now I feel well-loved AND worn out.

I have to go through it though, there are parts of me to rescue and important love on the other side that is waiting for me.

This particular hard thing has to do with setting boundaries and speaking my truth with love.

There are people in my life I already practice with, I have had mixed results.

Usually my level of success has to do with the other person’s ability to meet me in the energy of truth-speaking and willingness to do hard things. Not everyone is ready for this kind of communication.

You know what, I need to call bullshit on myself.

That is not true. My success does not in anyway depend on the other person. I need to redefine success if I am giving the other person the power over it.

Okay, so when my success was dependent on the other person (when I was playing small) I was defining success as the conversation going well (me feeling heard, the other person being receptive and responsive, and the interaction leading to deeper connection in the relationship).

Successful communication (wherein I set a boundary and speak my truth in love from my BIG place) is defined by me setting the boundary clearly and concisely, speaking my truth compassionately (which means holding myself in compassion and being kind). That is it. Success is defined by my action, not the reaction of the other person.

So going back to my previous statement.. There are people in my life I already practice with, I have had mixed results.

Under my new definition for success this is no longer a true statement. I have been successfully communicating boundaries through compassionate truth speaking for years.

It is not always well received but that part of it belongs to other person, I don’t have to hold that. Their reaction does not diminish my success in showing up, being seen, and not playing small.

Now that I have unraveled my former definition for successful communication and REdefined it I feel much more confident going forward with my next hard thing.

When I was small I was not taking credit for my success, I was giving all my power to the other person. Now that I have taken my power back I can clearly see that I already have a long track record of success and I am fully capable of DOING HARD THINGS!

I can do hard things because I am not small, I am BIG. I am the hero.

Them Keeps Us Scared, Them Keeps Us Safe

Something I love about my new job, the number one thing I love about my new job, is the freedom. I had a meeting by phone today and when I was done I went in the backyard with Lu and laid in the hammock meditating for 45 minutes.

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I laid there and for the first few moments I counted gratitude.

It is 1:45 on a Monday and I am in yoga pants, braless, laying outside.
I get to decide when it feels right to do the work I need to do today.
I have a schedule that allows me to rise with the sun rather than yelled at by a clock.

I am so very grateful.

As I was counting my gratitude, staring up at the branches of Nana our Live Oak tree – who is not in fact ours but her own, we just share this land we live on- I started thinking of Ofglen and OfWarren and Ofrred, and the other handmaids from my book. I was thinking about these luxuries that I just listed and how they are just that, luxuries.

Being braless, having a say in what I wear based on what feels good on my body.
Having say in my daily schedule, freedom to rise and sleep and eat when my body tells me it is time. Living a life guided by my own wisdom about what is right for me.

These are all extravagant luxuries. Luxuries that the women in my novel would covet. To be able to go outside at all on one’s own accord, a luxury.

Then I started thinking bigger, outside of the pages of the book. I live in a world where the terrifying reality of The Handmaid’s Tale is someone else’s reality. There are women in this world who are forbidden to read therefore never given the opportunity. There are women in this world who have no say in what they wear, their bodies are given no consideration to what feels right and comfortable to them because the reality they live in states that their bodies are not in fact their bodies, their bodies belong to men. Their are women in this world that are used strictly as vessels, just like the women in this book. They are possessions, not people.

In the story Ofrred talks about how before the change took place she would read about women raped and murdered and oppressed in the news paper, when she was still allowed to read the newspaper, and think Oh that is awful and then move on with her day because it had never happened to anyone she knew personally. This was not her reality therefore it was not a reality for her at all.

There was this feeling of Us and Them and as long as whatever tragedy or atrocity was happening to Them and not Us then it was of no concern.

I sat with this for a while and it began to manifest. Us versus Them in this sense makes Us feel safe. As long as it is not happening to Us then we are safe. We are not morally responsible for what happens to Them, just Us.

Us versus Them has historically been used in another way as well. It is a classic way to create and build fear. It is the creation of a separation that does not actually exist. Politicians stand behind podiums warning Us about Them. Them, the ones who mean to hurt us, kill us, steal our jobs, rape our women, take what is ours. We elect people to protect Us from Them.

I sat with this for a while as well and then came back to my truth, that there is no true separation between Us and Them, only the separation that we as humans create. We have created this oppressive fear. We have created this divide to keep Us safe.

When I stand in my truth that all life is connected and the illusion of separation is in fact a fallacy this is the deeper truth that is uncovered:

Because we are all connected that means that if one person has darkness in them we all have darkness in us. If one person has light we all have light. If one person is capable of killing that means we are all capable of killing. There is no Us, there is no Them, There is only We. We all have light and dark and the potential to stand in there at any given time. What one person is capable of We are all capable of, for better or for worse.

I do not have answer on how to save the world with this knowledge, it is a knowledge many already possess yet here we sit demanding women wear bras and killing each other. Afraid or each other and thankful for the illusion of separation that allows us to believe some invisible line exists to keep Us safe.

For now I will hold my gratitude and cherish it because I understand that one woman’s oppression is also my burden to bear. I will look into the faces of those I meet and know that we are one and that their shadows are my shadows and my light resides in them as well. I will hold this truth sacred above all. I will hold this truth sacred.